Kramer’s Blog

Random thoughts from an over-thinker…

The Funniest Joker and a Valentine’s Toker… January 22, 2010

Everyone is up in arms about all this Jay Leno – Conan O’Brien chaos. I think the whole situation is rediculous but I do have an official position on the issue. I’m “Team Conan”, as they say. For years I’ve been saying that no one can make me laugh like Conan O’Brien. The guy is just SILLY and his humor is so random. I mean, he’s got a masturbating bear and a rottweiler puppet that insults people with a cigar hanging out of his mouth. That’s comedy at it’s finest. I think I gave my thoughts on this in my blog a couple months ago about the mustache fights. Well, since then some things have changed. I still have strong opinions about Conan and that fact that he is hands down the funnier of the two, but there’s a new star player in the ballpark of my mind. It’s Ms. Chelsea Handler. When her show started on E! I didn’t give her much credit, mostly because I’d never heard of her. I thought “who’s this smartass nobody with her own show out of nowhere”? Not until recently have I started watching her show on a regular basis and I love her more and more everyday. This bitch is so quick-witted and sarcastic that she can go toe to toe with anyone that comes her way. One false move and she’ll rip you apart before you even knew what happened. I ENVY her comedic talent and her clever sarcasm. I officially want to be Chelsea Handler when I grow up.

I was trying to tell my mom how funny I thought Chelsea Handler was last night and she had no idea who I was talking about. I had to drop some knowledge on dat ass. Not really. I just steered the conversation in another direction because I didn’t want her to feel old for not knowing what the hell I was talking about. I took her to a movie and we saw “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I figured it was a safe movie to see with my mom and a friend of mine told me it was hilarious. Well, she was right. It was HILARIOUS. I’ve always thought Alec Baldwin was brilliant but I’ve never liked Meryl Streep until now. I had a smile on my face through the entire movie but mostly because my mom kept laughing hysterically. I also learned that my mom likes to do the movie play-by-play, which I thought was so cute. She’d say “Oh look Daena, he’s gonna fall off that step!” or “Oh my gosh they’re going to get caught smoking that joint!”. Awwww moms, I love ya. She laughed SO HARD at the scene when they were all high that I started to wonder if my moms is a closet toker. Totally kidding, my mom is an angel but as we were walking out I said “ya know mama, I’ve never smoked weed but that movie made me REALLY want to try it!” True story. She just giggled. Hmmmmm…

There was a preview for that movie called “Valentine’s Day” and it has like 17 huge names in it. That movie is going to have to gross like 824 Billion in its first week to break even from all the high-priced actors cast in it. But it looked really funny and like it covered every aspect of Valentine’s Day, not just the cheesy romantic perspective. You know what bugs me? When people try to act like they don’t care and say “every day should be Valentine’s Day” or “I don’t know why people make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, it’s such a lame holiday”. You know who says those things…PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! If every day should be like Valentine’s Day then should we celebrate your birth every day? Should we drink beer and wear green every day? NO! That’s what makes it fun, doing something MORE or something out of the ordinary on Valentine’s Day for someone special or someone you love! Does your husband bring you long stem roses or make a pointed attempt at some creative romantic gesture to make you swoon on a daily basis!? If he does that shit everyday then you’ve hit the jackpot and I understand why you would have no reason to care about Valentine’s Day. I just hate hearing women that have someone to make them feel special and spend Valentine’s Day with say that  it’s a dumb holiday. Count your freaking blessings and ENJOY this excuse to be showered with love and affection for an extra day and do the same for your man. You also get the single chicks who try to act like they don’t care about Valentine’s Day because “it’s a commercialized holiday with no real meaning”. Whatever it takes to make ya feel better, honey. You know damn well that if you had a man you’d be soaking up all the holiday hype and loving every minute of it. Bitches is crazy, man. The moral of the story is, make the MOST of Valentine’s Day if you have someone to spend it with, don’t just complain about how lame it is. You’re lucky to have someone who is always by your side, so use Valentine’s Day as an extra opportunity to thank them for that. If you’re single, shower someone with love even if you’re not in a relationship. Sometimes giving love feels even better than receiving love. You’ll feel great and the holiday hopefully won’t bring you down just because you’re single.

I think I’ll shower my mama with love on Valentine’s Day. She deserves to feel lots of love because she’s always dishing it out. Maybe I’ll take her to see “Valentine’s Day” at the theater and we can get high together before the movie. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m totally kidding. I don’t smoke the weeeeeed, I swear. And also mom, don’t tell me if you do read this because it’s just better if I go on thinking that you don’t even know I have a blog.

ps. nobody tell my moms I have a blog.

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Mustache fights and late night silliness… November 20, 2009

I’m starting completely over. I got way too deep in thought in my previous attempt at this blog and I annoyed myself. I started rambling about emotional thresholds in terms of extreme happiness and levels of excitement and disappointment. After two paragraphs I stopped to watch Conan for a minute and when I got back on track writing, I realized I sounded like a total douche. Speaking of Conan….. are you a Conan, Leno or Letterman fan? There HAS to be one of the three that stands out in your mind. You didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you that I’m a Conan fan. That guy just makes me laugh, plain and simple. Leno is funny sometimes, but he seems SO scripted and “mapped out” for lack of a better term. There’s no spontaneity to his comedy, interviews or his show in general. Letterman gets me laughing pretty good sometimes but if I’m being honest, my favorite thing about Dave is his gap. I find a front tooth gap very endearing and I give him a little extra credit for it. He does a good interview, though, and he’s not afraid to make fun of his guests or go in an entirely different direction on the spur of the moment. But Conan….he’s just GOOFY! He takes his job seriously but he doesn’t seem to take himself seriously and I dig that. He makes fun of himself all the time and he addresses awkward situations head on instead of trying to change the subject or put on a polished show. He’s got balls and he is really good at sarcasm, which is like a second language to me. And mostly I like his dance where he looks like a puppet on strings. So silly, that guy!

I’ve been sitting here so long that Jimmy Fallon just came on and he’s awesome, but I feel bad for him because he’s like the ugly stepchild of late night television. Kinda funny sometimes….but quirky and cute….but just doesn’t execute his writers jokes very effectively. It’s like he’s reading a tweet out loud. Have you ever read a tweet to someone because you thought it was hilarious and you’re met with a blank stare? I’m a firm believer that tweets are usually only funny when you READ them, not when you speak them. BUT OH MY GOD HE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER IS HIS GUEST TONIGHT!! I’m into Twilight and I read all 4 books but I’m not going CrAzY about the movie coming out tomorrow. Granted, I’m seeing it tomorrow, but if I was forced to wait 2 weeks to see it I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. However….I’ve taken a liking to Taylor Lautner who plays “Jacob” in the Twilight Series. I could care less about “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward” because I’m not that into it. But Taylor Lautner is a tasty little treat but I was recently informed that he’s only 17!! That changes everything and eliminates the possibility of fantasizing about him, but he’s still good eye candy. More so than Robert Pattinson, anyway. I refuse to engage in any debate on my stance with a Twilight fan mostly because I HATE debates, but also because I think arguments like that are so annoying. To each his own, as I always say.

But I’ve got to hand it to Fallon right now because he’s got a feature on called “UMF” – The Ultimate Mustache Fighter! Here’s a little taste of the awesome dialogue for you… “The ring’s not big enough for these brutally bushy beasts, these hairy heathens, these whiskered warriors!…. Defending Champion Wilford Brimley takes on the ferocious fake fuzz of Gene Shalit for Stache’ Bash III. “There’s no love lost between these two mustaches, Barry!!” There are two ginormous mustaches going head to head in the octagon to grind it out. Check out these awesome graphics…..

Jimmy Fallon's UMF FeatureGeraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

Geraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You get the picture of how AWESOME this is?! I laughed my ass off at these two giant mustaches trying to beat each other up. But if you know me, you know I have a certain fascination for mustaches. Oddly enough, I don’t find them attractive on men but I do enjoy the unique appeal of a glorious mustache, you know? Something about them just makes me giggle, especially if it’s fake or drawn on with a sharpie. Let me show you what I’m talking about…… 

Badass stache

I sported this mustache at a baby shower. Pretty good, eh?! Ok…I’m done talking about fantastic mustaches but let me warn you….if we go out drinking, do not pass out before me. I’ll never be too old to draw a mustache on your face while you sleep. At least I admit it. But it’s time for me to wrap this up because Taylor Lautner just came on Fallon and I’m so very interested to hear what he has to say. And by that I mean I want to just sit here and imagine him naked. I’m kidding folks!! HE’S ONLY 17!!