Kramer’s Blog

Random thoughts from an over-thinker…

Sneaky Farts and Poop Texts…. May 19, 2010

I texted my friend the other day just to tell her I’d pooped three times before noon because let’s face it, that’s pretty amazing. Her response was “That’s AWESOME! Congratulations”. I categorize my friends by whom I can talk about poop with and who I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re not the type of friends that can talk openly like that, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I probably just don’t know you quite well enough to test the waters of our friendship with a poop text yet. Give it time.  And if you’d prefer I never text you about things of that nature feel free to drop me a line and let me know. I’ll make a note of it and I’ll text you about things like the weather or the cute shoes I saw at the mall. That was a lie – if I ever text you about cute shoes at the mall please punch me in the vagina. I made the mistake of sending a poop related text to a friend a couple of weeks ago that apparently isn’t too keen on poop talk. I got a very uninterested and somewhat annoyed response. She’s now off the poop-text list, lesson learned. Everyone poops, there’s no avoiding it, there’s even a book about it. See ↓ There’s also a book about farts called “The Gas We Pass” and I own both of them. I think it’s funny that farts and poop are such taboo subjects, they’re just a part of life.

You ever witness a fart and the person farting has no idea you were there? Guy at work was in the break room pouring his coffee and did the leg-lift-fart move. Like he wanted to ease it out by adjusting his stance or something. Another co-worker was walking in and saw the whole thing go down and called him out. “Dude, did you just fart?!” …He says “Oops, guess that one snuck out on me”. SERIOUSLY?! It didn’t sneak out, you lifted your leg to let it out you moron! Of course the guy who witnessed the whole thing told one person, that person told 2 more people and within 20 minutes the entire office was laughing about the fart that snuck out. My nephew farts on my lap all the time and then he tries to deny it when I ask him why his butt stinks. “My butt don’t stink Aunt Daena”. Yes it does buddy, because there are just the two of us sitting here and I haven’t dropped any bombs in the past 3 minutes….besides, I felt the rumble on my leg.  “Seriously buddy, lay off the gas pedal”…He says “I didn’t puh-toot Aunt Daena! I’m seewious”. Whatever buddy, one day you’ll embrace your ability to clear a room with that rotten ass. For now he’s hell-bent on maintaining his innocence. What he should do is what my dog does – just lay there and let ’em rip then when someone comments on your stinky ass, just give them your best glare and smirk as you lay your head back on the ground like you own the place.

It seems there are a lot of things we’re not supposed to talk about because it’s rude or taboo. I typically fail those tests. Beating around the bush drives me bonkers. Of course I understand the difference between being rude and being honest and that there is a time and a place, I just hate conversations where you have to really watch what you say because it may fall on sensitive ears. There was a conversation in our sales meeting this morning about what “Pink Taco” means. We all know what the innuendo is but my boss corrected my coworker on the specifics when she said “Are you referring to the VAGINA?!” She said “technically, no, I’m not” so I said “It involves more of the clitoris….” It made me giggle because I love the look on people’s faces when they hear something they weren’t expecting. The guys in the room just shake their heads at us when we get out of line or say rediculous things like this. I think there’s always room for a little fun, especially in what are typically boring meetings. That’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself. Promise to remind me to blog about my thoughts on wasting time and having fun in the workplace. And I promise I’ll text you next time I poop three times before noon.