Kramer’s Blog

Random thoughts from an over-thinker…

Sneaky Farts and Poop Texts…. May 19, 2010

I texted my friend the other day just to tell her I’d pooped three times before noon because let’s face it, that’s pretty amazing. Her response was “That’s AWESOME! Congratulations”. I categorize my friends by whom I can talk about poop with and who I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re not the type of friends that can talk openly like that, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I probably just don’t know you quite well enough to test the waters of our friendship with a poop text yet. Give it time.  And if you’d prefer I never text you about things of that nature feel free to drop me a line and let me know. I’ll make a note of it and I’ll text you about things like the weather or the cute shoes I saw at the mall. That was a lie – if I ever text you about cute shoes at the mall please punch me in the vagina. I made the mistake of sending a poop related text to a friend a couple of weeks ago that apparently isn’t too keen on poop talk. I got a very uninterested and somewhat annoyed response. She’s now off the poop-text list, lesson learned. Everyone poops, there’s no avoiding it, there’s even a book about it. See ↓ There’s also a book about farts called “The Gas We Pass” and I own both of them. I think it’s funny that farts and poop are such taboo subjects, they’re just a part of life.

You ever witness a fart and the person farting has no idea you were there? Guy at work was in the break room pouring his coffee and did the leg-lift-fart move. Like he wanted to ease it out by adjusting his stance or something. Another co-worker was walking in and saw the whole thing go down and called him out. “Dude, did you just fart?!” …He says “Oops, guess that one snuck out on me”. SERIOUSLY?! It didn’t sneak out, you lifted your leg to let it out you moron! Of course the guy who witnessed the whole thing told one person, that person told 2 more people and within 20 minutes the entire office was laughing about the fart that snuck out. My nephew farts on my lap all the time and then he tries to deny it when I ask him why his butt stinks. “My butt don’t stink Aunt Daena”. Yes it does buddy, because there are just the two of us sitting here and I haven’t dropped any bombs in the past 3 minutes….besides, I felt the rumble on my leg.  “Seriously buddy, lay off the gas pedal”…He says “I didn’t puh-toot Aunt Daena! I’m seewious”. Whatever buddy, one day you’ll embrace your ability to clear a room with that rotten ass. For now he’s hell-bent on maintaining his innocence. What he should do is what my dog does – just lay there and let ’em rip then when someone comments on your stinky ass, just give them your best glare and smirk as you lay your head back on the ground like you own the place.

It seems there are a lot of things we’re not supposed to talk about because it’s rude or taboo. I typically fail those tests. Beating around the bush drives me bonkers. Of course I understand the difference between being rude and being honest and that there is a time and a place, I just hate conversations where you have to really watch what you say because it may fall on sensitive ears. There was a conversation in our sales meeting this morning about what “Pink Taco” means. We all know what the innuendo is but my boss corrected my coworker on the specifics when she said “Are you referring to the VAGINA?!” She said “technically, no, I’m not” so I said “It involves more of the clitoris….” It made me giggle because I love the look on people’s faces when they hear something they weren’t expecting. The guys in the room just shake their heads at us when we get out of line or say rediculous things like this. I think there’s always room for a little fun, especially in what are typically boring meetings. That’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself. Promise to remind me to blog about my thoughts on wasting time and having fun in the workplace. And I promise I’ll text you next time I poop three times before noon.

 

I’m uncool and offensive. Wanna be friends? June 16, 2009

I feel like I’ve been on vacation. Well, sort of. I haven’t really been on the internet for nearly two weeks and I kinda miss it. I’m on my computer ALL the time, but going online….not so much. I was proposed a bet almost 2 weeks ago by a friend of mine. It started out with him betting me $100 that I couldn’t go one day without tweeting. Actually, it started out when he decided to take a few shots of Jager. Things escalated and it ended up being a $500 bet that includes me not facebooking or tweeting for two weeks. Seriously?! I could go two weeks without food if I wanted to, don’t issue me a challenge. Ok…that was an exaggeration but there really is nothing that motivates me more than a challenge or someone doubting me. So anyway, I can look but I can’t touch and I’ll have to wait until Saturday to post this blog because it updates my facebook when I blog. Bummer. In reality, I have no interest in looking. I don’t really even “look” when I am actively tweeting or facebooking. I find BOTH of those sites to be information overload. If I really am curious about what someone’s status is then I’ll just go directly to their page. Same thing with twitter. I don’t follow many people and the majority of the people I do follow are random strangers that make me laugh. So if we’re friends and I don’t follow you, it’s nothing personal…it’s JUST TWITTER. I like you all better in real life anyway. And, yes, I am addressing this because I’ve gotten heat from a few friends that were offended that I don’t follow their tweets. I don’t take it that seriously, nor should you. Face to face communication is way more valuable, anyway.

Enough of that. I’ve felt a little bit compressed, for lack of a better term. I’ve really had almost no creative outlet for two weeks besides my usual verbal attacks and sarcastic remarks. Expressing my rude, sarcastic and/or witty updates online is much more satisfying that dishing out my sarcasm to just the sole intended reciepient. Luckily, this morning I got some reprieve by sharing some of my smart-ass opinions on the DAM Morning show. It was theraputic. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said. Let me explain….. they asked me to share the top 5 things that guys do in an attempt to look cool but actually look like douchebags doing, instead. The great thing is that it’s MY list so no one really has to agree. It’s not science, it’s just my insignificant opinion and you can call me a douche if you disagree. I’m cool with it. You want to know the top 5? Ok…….

5. Cat-calling. Is that supposed to be a compliment? If you get a girl to respond in your favor to your howls or cat calls, then you deserve each other. Keep up the good work.

4. Taking a photograph of yourself in front of your car OR even just photographing your car and posting it to MySpace or Facebook. Really?! It’s a car. It should never be photographed unless it’s a bonafide classic or has some significant custom upgrades and regardless, you don’t need to be in the picture. Your awesome car probably looks better without you next to it. There are exceptions to this rule, but this is my list and I choose not to list said exceptions at this time. But check out these gems….

See....LAME.

See....LAME.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

3. Peeling out. I don’t care how fast your sweet ride is, you never look cool peeling out. You may think “check me out, ladies” but the ladies are thinking “what a douche”.

2. Talking about chicks you’ve banged or saying you only date younger chicks. Confiding in your buddy about your conquests is one thing, but commenting in public about every girl that walks by by saying “I’d hit it…or I nailed that chick”….LAME. No one thinks you’re cool, they think you’re gross.

1. Fighting. Guys NEVER look cool when they pick a fight to look tough. Even if you don’t pick the fight, you rarely look cool engaging in a pointless fight. In my opinion, a guy looks cool when he laughs at the dick who picks the fight and walks the other way. Exceptions apply to fights involving defending your mother or your significant other or fighting to defend yourself against a douchebag who initiates a fight with you in an attempt to look cool.

There were 12 things on my list but I narrowed it down to five to keep it short. Honorable mention goes to “wearing sunglasses indoors”, “unbuttoning your shirt past the first button so as to let your chesticles show”, “shouting or heckling obnoxiously at a sporting event”, and last, for my douchebag friends Dave and Mahoney, “calling people douchebags on the radio and rating them on a gay scale called the “douche doppler”. I’d tell you you’re not cool, but you already know that so I’ll just tell everyone else how uncool you are. 😉

So there you have it. I’ve already hurt some feelings by my stupid “uncool” list today but if you take offense to anything I say, get over it. My opinion is really unimportant in the scheme of things. And don’t be such a little girl. If you do things on that list I don’t like you any less, I just think you’re a little douchier than I did before. Feel free to let me know if you agree with me or if you have anything to add to that list. I’m always happy to hear from you.