Kramer’s Blog

Random thoughts from an over-thinker…

Sneaky Farts and Poop Texts…. May 19, 2010

I texted my friend the other day just to tell her I’d pooped three times before noon because let’s face it, that’s pretty amazing. Her response was “That’s AWESOME! Congratulations”. I categorize my friends by whom I can talk about poop with and who I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re not the type of friends that can talk openly like that, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I probably just don’t know you quite well enough to test the waters of our friendship with a poop text yet. Give it time.  And if you’d prefer I never text you about things of that nature feel free to drop me a line and let me know. I’ll make a note of it and I’ll text you about things like the weather or the cute shoes I saw at the mall. That was a lie – if I ever text you about cute shoes at the mall please punch me in the vagina. I made the mistake of sending a poop related text to a friend a couple of weeks ago that apparently isn’t too keen on poop talk. I got a very uninterested and somewhat annoyed response. She’s now off the poop-text list, lesson learned. Everyone poops, there’s no avoiding it, there’s even a book about it. See ↓ There’s also a book about farts called “The Gas We Pass” and I own both of them. I think it’s funny that farts and poop are such taboo subjects, they’re just a part of life.

You ever witness a fart and the person farting has no idea you were there? Guy at work was in the break room pouring his coffee and did the leg-lift-fart move. Like he wanted to ease it out by adjusting his stance or something. Another co-worker was walking in and saw the whole thing go down and called him out. “Dude, did you just fart?!” …He says “Oops, guess that one snuck out on me”. SERIOUSLY?! It didn’t sneak out, you lifted your leg to let it out you moron! Of course the guy who witnessed the whole thing told one person, that person told 2 more people and within 20 minutes the entire office was laughing about the fart that snuck out. My nephew farts on my lap all the time and then he tries to deny it when I ask him why his butt stinks. “My butt don’t stink Aunt Daena”. Yes it does buddy, because there are just the two of us sitting here and I haven’t dropped any bombs in the past 3 minutes….besides, I felt the rumble on my leg.  “Seriously buddy, lay off the gas pedal”…He says “I didn’t puh-toot Aunt Daena! I’m seewious”. Whatever buddy, one day you’ll embrace your ability to clear a room with that rotten ass. For now he’s hell-bent on maintaining his innocence. What he should do is what my dog does – just lay there and let ’em rip then when someone comments on your stinky ass, just give them your best glare and smirk as you lay your head back on the ground like you own the place.

It seems there are a lot of things we’re not supposed to talk about because it’s rude or taboo. I typically fail those tests. Beating around the bush drives me bonkers. Of course I understand the difference between being rude and being honest and that there is a time and a place, I just hate conversations where you have to really watch what you say because it may fall on sensitive ears. There was a conversation in our sales meeting this morning about what “Pink Taco” means. We all know what the innuendo is but my boss corrected my coworker on the specifics when she said “Are you referring to the VAGINA?!” She said “technically, no, I’m not” so I said “It involves more of the clitoris….” It made me giggle because I love the look on people’s faces when they hear something they weren’t expecting. The guys in the room just shake their heads at us when we get out of line or say rediculous things like this. I think there’s always room for a little fun, especially in what are typically boring meetings. That’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself. Promise to remind me to blog about my thoughts on wasting time and having fun in the workplace. And I promise I’ll text you next time I poop three times before noon.

 

I appreciate irony and I love pouring rain… September 22, 2009

There have been a few things that I’ve given a lot of thought to lately. Well, more than a few things considering my wheels are always turning, but a few that keep resurfacing. The first thought that I keep having is that I’m really sad that I won’t be at my own funeral. Don’t laugh, I’m serious. If I had to imagine the most awesome party ever, it would be a room full of ALL of my friends from every corner and stage of my life talking, meeting and reminiscing about fun experiences we’ve shared. Except they’d probably be telling embarrassing stories about me that I made them promise NEVER to tell anyone so that part wouldn’t be so fun, but everything else would be awesome. At “the most awesome party ever” I imagine dancing with all my friends to some old school hip hop with a little Britney mixed in and maybe some Motown. There would be lots of Pirate’s Booty (only the most glorious shot ever), it would be catered by In-n-Out and my dog would be there too. Seriously. But ideally I’d be there, and maybe one day I can make that happen, but most likely it will only be at my funeral that ALL of my friends get to meet. So have fun folks, I’ll be jealous.

Ewwwww, grim huh? So the other thing I’ve been thinking is “be careful what you wish for”. I seem to be witnessing and experiencing a lot of irony lately and I, for one, can truly appreciate a good bit of irony. Ironically, I can’t think of any of the ironic moments that I’ve experienced lately but they will come to me later, I’m sure.

Until I remember the ironies (is that a word?), I’ll move on to the third thing that has been on my brain which is “when it rains, it pours” – an expression that I think makes very little sense but it gets my point across. When it rains it doesn’t ALWAYS pour, right? And ironically, I love it when it pours. <— Oooh, there was some irony. So anyway, it seems like I’m either swamped at work or it’s smooth sailing, never a happy medium. When I’m rediculously busy at work something will almost always come up outside of work that occupies my mind and I can’t seem to focus on work. But ironically I have Office ADD and I alwaysseem to have a hard time focusing at work so maybe that’s not a valid argument. <— more irony. And I invented the diagnosis of “Office ADD”, feel free to use it as you deem necessary. So why can’t God just have an equal rotation pouring on the stress and pressures in our lives? Is it to test our strength or simply make us stronger? Perhaps, but I don’t feel stronger I just feel more sleepy and I sit at my desk sometimes and imagine ways I could crawl under my desk to take a nap unnoticed. I really think I could pull it off, too, if I placed my chair properly and curled up real small, no one would see me. But they’d notice that the things were much quieter around there, that’s for sure. Then sometimes I imagine that my office is really just like the TV show “The Office” and I assign my coworkers to a character on the TV show and when they do something JUST like the person in The Office, I laugh quietly to myself. Actually sometimes I laugh out loud and make fun of them and say “You were just Dwight!” I’m confident that it’s wildly obnoxious and they all think I’m annoying, but I’m ok with that. My coworker, Laura, posted this on my facebook page last week and I think it’s pretty much dead on…

OfficeRetard

So Laura and I created the concept for “The RADIO Office” and it’s a hit TV show starring a handful of our co-workers and us. Anytime something bizarre or awkward happens at work we jot it down for the next episode. It’s pretty safe to say that I work with the most awesome group of people EVER. If you don’t watch The Office, this is probably confusing you and boring you to death at the same time. If you do watch The Office, stay tuned for our own edition of Parkour! in the Radio Office.

So I’ve completely lost my train of thought so I’ll end this blog here. If I remember any more ironies I’ll let you know but I’ll most likely just get distracted and take a nap under my desk instead. Thanks for listening. PARKOUR!

 

I’m uncool and offensive. Wanna be friends? June 16, 2009

I feel like I’ve been on vacation. Well, sort of. I haven’t really been on the internet for nearly two weeks and I kinda miss it. I’m on my computer ALL the time, but going online….not so much. I was proposed a bet almost 2 weeks ago by a friend of mine. It started out with him betting me $100 that I couldn’t go one day without tweeting. Actually, it started out when he decided to take a few shots of Jager. Things escalated and it ended up being a $500 bet that includes me not facebooking or tweeting for two weeks. Seriously?! I could go two weeks without food if I wanted to, don’t issue me a challenge. Ok…that was an exaggeration but there really is nothing that motivates me more than a challenge or someone doubting me. So anyway, I can look but I can’t touch and I’ll have to wait until Saturday to post this blog because it updates my facebook when I blog. Bummer. In reality, I have no interest in looking. I don’t really even “look” when I am actively tweeting or facebooking. I find BOTH of those sites to be information overload. If I really am curious about what someone’s status is then I’ll just go directly to their page. Same thing with twitter. I don’t follow many people and the majority of the people I do follow are random strangers that make me laugh. So if we’re friends and I don’t follow you, it’s nothing personal…it’s JUST TWITTER. I like you all better in real life anyway. And, yes, I am addressing this because I’ve gotten heat from a few friends that were offended that I don’t follow their tweets. I don’t take it that seriously, nor should you. Face to face communication is way more valuable, anyway.

Enough of that. I’ve felt a little bit compressed, for lack of a better term. I’ve really had almost no creative outlet for two weeks besides my usual verbal attacks and sarcastic remarks. Expressing my rude, sarcastic and/or witty updates online is much more satisfying that dishing out my sarcasm to just the sole intended reciepient. Luckily, this morning I got some reprieve by sharing some of my smart-ass opinions on the DAM Morning show. It was theraputic. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said. Let me explain….. they asked me to share the top 5 things that guys do in an attempt to look cool but actually look like douchebags doing, instead. The great thing is that it’s MY list so no one really has to agree. It’s not science, it’s just my insignificant opinion and you can call me a douche if you disagree. I’m cool with it. You want to know the top 5? Ok…….

5. Cat-calling. Is that supposed to be a compliment? If you get a girl to respond in your favor to your howls or cat calls, then you deserve each other. Keep up the good work.

4. Taking a photograph of yourself in front of your car OR even just photographing your car and posting it to MySpace or Facebook. Really?! It’s a car. It should never be photographed unless it’s a bonafide classic or has some significant custom upgrades and regardless, you don’t need to be in the picture. Your awesome car probably looks better without you next to it. There are exceptions to this rule, but this is my list and I choose not to list said exceptions at this time. But check out these gems….

See....LAME.

See....LAME.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

3. Peeling out. I don’t care how fast your sweet ride is, you never look cool peeling out. You may think “check me out, ladies” but the ladies are thinking “what a douche”.

2. Talking about chicks you’ve banged or saying you only date younger chicks. Confiding in your buddy about your conquests is one thing, but commenting in public about every girl that walks by by saying “I’d hit it…or I nailed that chick”….LAME. No one thinks you’re cool, they think you’re gross.

1. Fighting. Guys NEVER look cool when they pick a fight to look tough. Even if you don’t pick the fight, you rarely look cool engaging in a pointless fight. In my opinion, a guy looks cool when he laughs at the dick who picks the fight and walks the other way. Exceptions apply to fights involving defending your mother or your significant other or fighting to defend yourself against a douchebag who initiates a fight with you in an attempt to look cool.

There were 12 things on my list but I narrowed it down to five to keep it short. Honorable mention goes to “wearing sunglasses indoors”, “unbuttoning your shirt past the first button so as to let your chesticles show”, “shouting or heckling obnoxiously at a sporting event”, and last, for my douchebag friends Dave and Mahoney, “calling people douchebags on the radio and rating them on a gay scale called the “douche doppler”. I’d tell you you’re not cool, but you already know that so I’ll just tell everyone else how uncool you are. 😉

So there you have it. I’ve already hurt some feelings by my stupid “uncool” list today but if you take offense to anything I say, get over it. My opinion is really unimportant in the scheme of things. And don’t be such a little girl. If you do things on that list I don’t like you any less, I just think you’re a little douchier than I did before. Feel free to let me know if you agree with me or if you have anything to add to that list. I’m always happy to hear from you.

 

Until my wheels stop turning…. May 9, 2009

Filed under: Humor,Random,Uncategorized — justkramer @ 4:22 pm

I wrote 3 blogs this week. I didn’t post them. Sorry about that, but they just weren’t worth reading so you should actually be thanking me. Well, thanks really aren’t in order unless you were required to read my blogs – you’re here by choice so I don’t deserve your gratitude. My mind has been wandering a lot lately and I constantly find myself deep in thought. Unfortunately it’s rarely about anything important or valuable, I tend to dwell on very trivial things. I feel like a two year old who says “how come” every two seconds, but instead of having to answer me, I debate with myself inside my head. I tend to think in terms of problem solving …if A + B = C then C – B = A. Except I don’t always know how to solve the problem and that drives me CRAZY. That’s when I decide to write. And I write and write and write until it makes sense. Hence the 3 unpublished blogs. So instead of dwelling on things I can’t answer, I’ll blog about things I do have the answers to.

I can answer every question in all of those facebook questionnaires because they’re about ME and my opinions. I did one of those “top 5” facebook apps and it was for “top 5 things I never leave the house without” and the other was “top 5 things I’m terrified of”. I thought they were fun because it will post a photo with your selections. I did one a few weeks ago for “my top 5 celebrity crushes” – clearly Justin was at the top of my list, but I realized this week that Josh Hartnett should have been second. He’s a tasty little treat who doesn’t get nearly enough recognition. I can’t bring myself to always answer those things 100% honestly but I like to have fun with it. Have you ever thought about what you are REALLY afraid of? What gives you anxiety? What you have nightmares about? Here are some things on my list….

  • Getting diarrhea while stuck in traffic or any inescapable situation
  • Walking out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked in the back of my underwear
  • Having one of those sneezes that pushes out a fart while I’m at work
  • Having B.O. and being the only one in the room who doesn’t realize it.
  • Not clicking “END” hard enough after leaving someone a voice mail and then proceeding to sing loud in the car like I always do and it being recorded on their voice mail for like 5 minutes.

Those are actual fears that I have, but they’re not really that “deep”. I think more about those things than serious fears like….

  • Losing a loved one
  • Failure
  • Disappointing people who are important to me
  • Tayler dying
  • Hurting someones feelings and not knowing it
  • being betrayed or abandoned

See? Not nearly as entertaining, but very valid fears none the less. As for 5 things I don’t leave the house with…

  • My Blackberry
  • Deodorant and perfume
  • My lightsaber
  • A rubber band around my wrist
  • Sexy Underwear

I was asking my friend, Lisa, about what things she won’t leave the house with and she said “my car keys”. I told her that was the dumbest answer I’ve ever heard. That’s like saying “my hair”. You can’t even leave with out your keys so it’s not really a choice. All she could come up with was “my iPhone” and if that’s the case then I envy her. I wish I didn’t have so many necessities throughout my day. I was obviously joking about having a lightsaber, but I have either deodorant or perfume in my purse 100% of the time – this directly relates to my fear of smelling bad. During our discussion, Lisa said to me “remember that time we were dancing at a club and you put on deodorant right in the middle of the dance floor?”. I had no memory of it, but I have no doubt in my mind that she’s telling the truth. This came from my friend who remembers EVERYTHING. I can see myself doing something like that if I got a whiff of B.O. while I was dancing. Even if it wasn’t me that smelled, I’d immediately do something to ensure that it didn’t BECOME me that smells bad. I always notice when someone smells pretty or if a guy smells sexy.  I like it when I hang out with a friend and the next day I can still smell their nice scent in my car. But imagine getting in your car and smelling someone else’s B.O. – not good and that memory will stay with you forever. I have a few friends that I can pinpoint their distinct scent, whether it’s natural or from their perfume. There’s a girl I know who leaves her scent EVERYWHERE she goes and it lingers for a long time. I can always tell where she’s been. It’s mind boggling to me every time I notice it. Lucky for her it’s a very pretty scent because if it wasn’t, it would be really shitty to leave a stink lingering for everyone to associate with you. Do me a favor, if I ever smell even *slightly* bad, tell me. I won’t be offended, I’ll give you a big hug – but only after I spray some perfume.

I can’t say that I always have sexy underwear on when I leave the house, but it’s safe to say it’s true 95% of the time. Well, at least they’re sexy in my opinion. Not that it matters because people don’t really ever see my underwear, but it makes me feel good knowing I’m wearing something sexy. As for the rubber band on my wrist…it’s for my hair. I don’t put my hair in a ponytail everyday, but I hate not having the option. The only thing I forgot to include in that list was my square ring on my left hand middle finger. When I was 18 I had gotten a $100 gift card to Nordstrom for my birthday. I remember I bought a couple shirts and had about $20 left to spend. I was at the register and there was a tray of silver rings sitting there. I looked through and found the most simple one and it actually fit me – I have big fingers for a girl. It was $18 bucks so I bought it. I have worn it nearly every day since then. It’s not fancy, but in 12 years it’s never tarnished and it’s still shiny with just a little wear around the edges. I feel like it’s part of me, as stupid as that might sound. I hate the way I feel if I’m not wearing it.

Those are the things I have the answer to and I feel better letting it all out. I know I’ll never have all the answers that I want and there will always be situations and people in my life that are impossible to understand. I can’t change that and I can’t change other people. I can just be me and focus on what I can control and keep blogging until my wheels stop turning. Don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so stay tuned for more of my pointless blogs . As my nephew Cody always says “Peace out, yo!”.

 

GET OUT of facebook and my NASTY tweets…. April 21, 2009

Filed under: Humor,Uncategorized — justkramer @ 12:20 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Things just got interesting. I started writing a blog and I got through about 3 paragraphs. Nothing really that compelling so I probably wasn’t going to publish it anyway. I do that sometimes. I probably have 5 or 6 “drafts” saved that are blogs I started and never finished. So what just got interesting? Not my blog apparently. No, but I DID just find my boss on twitter. Maybe that’s not interesting to you, but for me it was fan-fricking-tastic. I found it so interesting that I ditched my original blog and started writing this one. You see, I’m always interested in a new way to pick on my boss and twitter is the perfect avenue. He doesn’t seem to be very active on it, though, so it may not be as fun as I’m anticipating. First thing I’m planning on doing is making fun of his pretty-pastel-purple starry background he chose for his twitter page. Looks like something a 15 year old girl would pick. Maybe his daughter set up his twitter account, who knows. LOL. Either way, he’s getting some shit for it. Is it wrong to poke fun at your boss? He seems to like joking around and he’s pretty cool. And I don’t think there is a problem with it if he dishes it right back. And he does, trust me. Maybe I think it’s a lot funnier than it really is, but just look at this thing…..

This is the twitter profile of a grown man.

This is the twitter profile of a grown man.

So this seems to be happening a lot lately. I mean, I keep being shocked or maybe just surprised to see who is tweeting or showing up on facebook. A couple weeks ago my mom friend requested me on facebook. You should have seen my jaw drop when I clicked on “friend request” and saw her name pop up. My MOM is NOT supposed to be on facebook, right?! No one’s mom is supposed to be on facebook!!! Well, I’ve come to change my position on that statement, but I was still a little thrown off to say the least. What did I do? Well I just denied her ass. I’m totally kidding, I would never deny my mom. She’s awesome and I’m actually really glad that she’s on facebook. I think it’s a great way for her to socialize and stay in touch with her old friends from all the places she’s lived and worked. But even though I’m happy that she decided to join the game, I still had to evaluate my page before I clicked “approve”. I don’t know why, because I knew there wasn’t anything incriminating, but I still had to do a brief inspection of my posts, the posts from others and my photos. Luckily I didn’t find anything too inappropriate so I went ahead with the approval of my very own mother. I sent her a photo to make herself a profile picture and I left the very first comment on her page. It said “Ma’, what the fuck are you doing on facebook, yo?”. Not really, but that would have been funny. Hmmm, I guess now that I think about it she may be able to read my blogs, too. I didn’t really take THAT into consideration. So if you’re reading this, “hi mom, welcome to facebook. Please don’t tell dad to sign up”.

I’m watching Sports Center as I write this (as usual) and I’ve come to notice a very annoying habit of mine. I make strange noises when I’m watching highlights. I don’t even think about it when I’m doing it or REALIZE that I’m doing it, but if I was sitting on the couch with me, I’d be annoyed and I would tell me to shut the hell up. For example, when I saw this….

I kept going “Ohhhh” or sometimes I just blurt out “Nasty”. Other times it’s “Ughhh”. If you watched all of the plays of the week you’ll see #9 prompted me to say “Shut up!”, #1 made me blurt out “Get out-get out….ohhhhhhhh!”. Poor Prince Fielder. The only reason I realize I’m even saying these things out loud is because my dog, Tayler, is always sleeping on the couch next to me and after I blurt out something unexpectedly loud she perks her head up and stares at me sideways as if to say “what the hell did you just say?”  Do you ever talk to your self or talk to the TV? I don’t talk to sitcoms or even movies. I only talk to sports. NFL is the worst catalyst of my non-sensical commentating and TV shouting (did I just invent the word non-sensical or is it actually a word?).  It’s so unladylike and probably very annoying to who ever I’m watching the game with. I bet Tayler rolls her eyes at me all the time and I don’t even know it. I actually think about that a lot….what do I do that makes people roll their eyes? I’m positive there is something, or actually MANY things, but who’s really going to tell you that you’re annoying? Exactly. So whenever I roll my eyes at someone or find myself irritated at one of their habits, I check myself to see if I ever do those things. I give myself regular “annoyance check-ups” but it’s a pretty safe bet that I miss quite a few things.  For example, today I was on the phone with a client and I caught myself saying “Sounds good” like 5 times. It’s my crutch and it’s also my way to try and end the conversation. So I said it the first two times I was ready to hang up, then I said it again in another context. Finally, I said it as the person on the other end of the phone said they had to go. What a douchebag I am. On a side note, when I logged on to ESPN.com to find this video I saw a video feature called “ESPNDB” and I was so excited because I thought it was some spoof segment about Douchebag moments in sports. Well, I was wrong. DB actually stands for “draft board” or maybe it’s “draft book”. I still don’t know, but it’s not douchebag. Bummer.

So I guess I should consider cleaning up my tweets and keeping an eye on the stuff that I randomly blurt out of my mouth. Since my boss is on twitter, maybe I should clean up my language and make sure I don’t talk shit about my job. It might send the wrong message to my tweeting boss. But then again, I am what I am. Should I really filter myself? I never talk shit about my job anyway because I love my job, but I’ve been known to swear for no good reason at all. For now, I’ll just do what I do and hope I am not judged by the cleanliness of my tweets. I should probably clean up this blog, too. My twitter name is also “justkramer” so it’s possible that my boss could read this blog, too. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. But if the day comes when I get that email notification that says “your mom is now following you on twitter”, then sorry folks,  I’M OUT THIS BITCH!!!!

See, totally unnecessary, obnoxious swearing……it’s a sickness by which I hope you don’t judge me.

 

I’m watching SportsCenter and my lips hurt real bad!! April 9, 2009

Filed under: Humor,Random — justkramer @ 11:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I just Googled Adderol. First thing I found out about Adderol is that I don’t know how to spell it. It’s Adderall, just like it sounds. Maybe I should take it – it might make me spell better. Probably not. Anyway, my buddy Soupy, commented on my previous blog and asked if I took Adderol, so in my defense I was just copying his spelling.  Soupy’s not actually my buddy because we’ve never met, but we’re blog buddies. You should read his clever and witty blog – www.teeshirtsoup.com. Okay, as I was saying, I Googled Adderall because I had no idea what it was. Come to find out, it’s for attention deficit disorder. I’m not sure what that is but if it’s anything like A.D.D, I should be taking it.  I kid, I kid. I’ve been saying for the past 2 years that I have adult A.D.D. Can I leave the periods out from now on? ADD is much easier. I think I have ADD because I can’t seem to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes. That’s the basis, right? I haven’t always been this way, I used to be able to focus extremely well. I once sat at my desk for 18 hours straight to complete my first drafting project in design school. I had to draw the plans for a single story home with all of the details, down to the millimeter. I didn’t even find it difficult to focus for that long. If I sit down to color in a coloring book these days, I have to stop after making the sky blue so I can change the channel, check my facebook and grab a snack – then I can move on to coloring the grass green. And, yes, I do really color. I fricken love coloring. See, look……                                                                                                          

From my "Gangster Rap Colouring Book"

From my "Gangster Rap Colouring Book"

This is NOT my "Gangser Rap Colouring Book"

This is NOT my "Gangser Rap Colouring Book"

 

Next time I’m either going to go with NWA or Ice Cube. I haven’t decided yet. Regardless, I probably won’t make it through the project with out stopping to make a Hot Pocket or text one of my friends.

I’ve learned a few ways to keep my focus a little better. I discovered that if I listen to music on my headphones while I’m at work I get a lot more work done. i have this fear that I’m going to start singing along to whatever I’m listening to and not realize it, then I’ll turn around and see everyone standing around laughing at me because I couldn’t hear them with my headphones on. Hasn’t happened….yet. I’m just always to tempted to chat with people, socialize or screw around at work. Headphones seem to do the trick. I get bored easily. I’m one of those people who constantly needs to move furniture around, paint the walls a different color and remove or replace things. I’ve recently become addicted to deleting things. I’m on twitter and everyday I go through my posts and delete the unnecessary ones. If I reply to someone, I’ll delete my reply once I know they’ve read it. Or if I reply with a question to someone who doesn’t reply to me, I delete my question. I just hate leaving things “floating around”. I feel like people can keep tabs on me that way. I delete facebook posts all the time, too. I can’t help myself. However, if something makes me laugh or is meaningful, I’ll never delete it. In fact, I’ll save it in some way if I can. Jeez, saying that really makes me sound nuts. I guess you were bound to find out the truth eventually.
 
I’ve been having strange dreams lately. I don’t know if it’s related to my self diagnosis of ADD, but there is definitely something wacky going on in my brain while I sleep. Now that I think about it, the dreams were only happening last week, but they happened EVERY night last week. They were very different every night but all very vivid and tied to very strong emotions, which were also different every night. I woke up exhausted every morning and by the end of the week, I was just over it. Luckily it seemed to be temporary, but I did have a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was given a new job and they threw me into it with no training or instructions. I was forced to try to figure things out on my own and I just crashed and burned. The dream was like a broken record, I kept trying the same thing over and over and I kept failing. It made me furious. By the end of the dream I had figured out exactly how to do this job, but my body wouldn’t physically let me execute it. Pure torture. I woke up tense and irritable. At least I didn’t wake up with wet sheets. That would have been really embarassing. One time when I was 21 I woke up completely naked from head to toe and I was lying in a waterbed totally uncovered in the shape of a dead body. What shape is a dead body? You can visualize what I mean, can’t you. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I was at a party the night before at my boyfriends house and I got pretty drunk drinking Seagram’s 7 – don’t ask me why. I passed out in his room at some point and a bunch of other people passed out around the house, too. When I woke up butt naked, I looked up and both bedroom doors were wide open. One door lead to the only bathroom in the house and the other lead directly into the kitchen. Needless to say, it’s a pretty safe assumption that all of the people who stayed over that night got to see me in my birthday suit in all my glory. Fantastic. I haven’t drank Seagram’s 7 since that night and I never will.
 
I really don’t know why this blog turned into story time, but I hope I’ve effectively put you to bed. I just hope I don’t give you crazy dreams that cause you anxiety and emotional stress. You would never forgive me, trust me. Maybe I’ll go color another picture now, but I should probably delete my facebook posts, first. Wait, first I have to get some chap stick. My lips hurt real bad. But not until Sports Center is over. I’ve been watching it this whole time because I’m bored with my own blog. It’s probably just my ADD, my lips aren’t even chapped but they might be soon. But I will take some of that Adderol if you’ve got some, Soupy, just as long as you promise it won’t make me have any strange, lucid dreams. I prefer to maintain my normal routine of naughty, inappropriate and insanely erotic dreams.
Did I ask if you have any chapstick?
 

Confessions…. March 11, 2009

Filed under: Humor — justkramer @ 11:07 pm

Ooooh. That sounds SO dramatic, huh. Like I’m going to reveal my innermost secrets and my deepest desires. Not a chance. Well, maybe there’s a chance, but it’s not likely. I’m 100% dead sober so the confessions will be trivial in comparison to what I would confess if I was three sheets to the wind. Last weekend I got home a little tipsy and started writing a blog. I got too tired after 3 paragraphs and decided to go to sleep instead. I read it the next morning and realized two things….I should NEVER blog drunk and I repeat myself when I’m drunk. Paragraph 1 and 3 were nearly identical but just worded differently. I got to laugh at myself and that’s always fun. I reveal way too much when I drink. It can be really incriminating.

So, confessions…. I think that I have a lot of things I do that are kind of embarrassing. Actually, I’m not very easily embarrassed so I guess I have a lot of things that other people would be embarrassed for me about. Does that make sense? For example, I have dreams about Britney Spears. Not A dream but multiple. Yeah, it started when I was like 19. I had a dream one night that my friend, Lisa, had Britney’s home phone number and that she only lived a few miles away. So I called the number and her mom answered. I convinced her mom that Britney and I were friends so she’d take my call.  I had a five minute conversation with her in my dream before she said she had to go. But she said she’d call me back. That was nice of her, huh.  The dreams happen about once or twice a year and it’s almost like we pick up where we left off. The second dream I had, she did call me back and invited me over to her house since we lived so close to each other. We made smoothies and crank called Justin Timberlake and giggled like best friends do. It was a glorious dream. And, to sum it all up, in the most recent dream I had about a week ago, I met up with her on her tour and she showed me around the stage and all of her costumes. She had on the cutest jeans and when I complimented her she gave them to me. Yep, she changed into another pair of jeans and gave me the cute ones she was wearing. The only way I realized I was dreaming was because I put on the jeans and they fit me like a glove. Man, this turned into a really long confession and I probably look like a psycho Britney fan. I do love that Britney, but I would never even go up to her if I saw her out somewhere. I kinda feel like we’re already friends so I wouldn’t want to look like a crazy fan. She’d probably put me into a whole other category and I like this thing we’ve got going.

I think about my death at least once a day. I don’t think that I WANT to die once a day, I’m not that morbid, but I think about “what if” a few times a day on average. Maybe that’s not a confession if everyone thinks about their death everyday, but in my mind it’s abnormal. In a lot of situations I think, what would happen if I died right now? Today at work I ran through my mind all of the orders that would get screwed up or all of my clients that would probably get screwed if I died at that very moment. LOL. I think sometimes that I should make a list of upcoming tasks just in case I did randomly kick the bucket. I’d really hate for everyone to be inconvenienced. Other times, when I think about the people in my life, I think about how I’d want them to remember me if I died. So I’ll think of nice things to do or say to them to make them happy or to give them a laugh. I want them to remember me with a smile when I die. And I could choke on my dinner at home and that would be it. So I obsess over making sure people are smiling and things get done after I die. Funny thing is, I have no fear of death. Weird? Perhaps. I just hope it’s not too painful if and when it happens. And it will eventually.

Alright, are you depressed now? I’ll confess something a little more funny. Let me think…..GOT IT!! One time when I was about 18 I had flowers sent to me to work to impress a boy. Seriously. It was actually more to make him jealous than impress him but I don’t think it did either of the two. It was really lame, too. I had a friend help me out with it and she picked out this stupid glass swan that had roses sticking out of the neck. They called me up front because I had a delivery and I picked it up like I was completely shocked. My friend even filled out the little card and it said something gay like “I think you’re beautiful -Love, Your secret admirer”. Of course everyone asked who it was from and I just shrugged my shoulders and had a little blush and told them “My secret admirer sent it to me” with a little giggle. What a douchebag I was. The guy even asked me about the flowers but he seemed really excited for me when I told him. Backfire! He was supposed to look insanely jealous or impressed. That’ll teach me.

Well, I guess those weren’t really BIG confessions, but like I told you…I’m sober. I’ll add a few more trivial confessions for good measure.

– Sometimes I flex in the mirror when I get home from the gym or if I feel skinny in the morning. I’m never impressed.

– I discriminate against people based on brands that I discriminate against. And most of the time I have no good reason not to like them.  Basically, if you’re wearing Sketchers, I think you’re a nerd. And Ed Hardy, too. Not as much of a nerd, but kinda douchey none the less.

– I’ve never done a drug a day in my life but sometimes I wish I had.

And finally, I really, REALLY like to hock loogies. Is that how you spell loogies? And I’m really good at it, too. The man I marry is going to have to be able to deal with that. It’s so un-ladylike.

I feel so much better now that we’ve had this talk. Thanks!