My shirt sucks. Well, I didn’t wake up thinking my shirt sucked, I just put it on and split for work. First thing my coworker said to me as I walked in was “I LOVE your shirt! It may be my favorite shirt you’ve ever worn!” Caught me off guard, but I’ll take it. A few minutes later another guy at work walks by and says “Cool shirt”, pauses for a few seconds and follows up with “for a grandma!”. Whatever. He can suck it. Meanwhile, coworker #1 is telling me not to get a big head about my super cute shirt. About an hour later my boss walks by and says “Wow, I love your shirt!”. She follows up with a story about how her grandma used to stitch shirts just like it, or some shit. Later in the day someone else comments on it as they walk by me in the hall saying something about me being a cowgirl. I don’t even remember exactly what the hell they said but I’m pretty sure coworker #1 laughed at it.
So then all the sudden I’m all self-conscious because I’m on my way to see a client and I look like a total douche cowgirl and my client is going to think I’m an idiot wearing a shirt their grandma could have stitched. I figured it was no big deal and maybe my coworkers were just giving me a hard time because lets face it, I probably had it coming. I tend to dish it out a lot. Every time my coworker, Laura, wears her super high boots to work I ask her if they’re keeping her vagina warm. And when Mike wears a nice tie to work I ask him if his mommy dressed him. Whenever Dave wears a shirt that has even the tiniest bit of shiny on it I comment on his “fancy shiny shirt” or I ask him if he’s going to the club after work. So yeah, I’ve had it coming.
I got home from work and changed into jeans to take my mom to dinner for a belated Mother’s Day celebration. I didn’t change my shirt. Got to the restaurant and my 5 year old nephew sits down next to me and comes to give me a hug but he stops and pinches my sleeve and says “Aunt Daena, yo’ shirt looks like an old lady shirt”. I was tempted to tell him to save his insults for when he learns to pronounce is “R”s but I just laughed and told him he can suck it. That was a lie, I just laughed and told him I borrowed it from his mom. I just took a snapshot of this sucky shirt for your viewing pleasure…. I paid $7 for this shirt at the Gap last month and I was REALLY proud of the super good deal, but I’ve since reconsidered its value.
I am not one of those girls that plans what she’s going to wear the night before. I literally don’t know what I’m going to wear until I walk into the closet to get dressed in the morning. UNLESS I know I’m going to have an encounter with a cute boy that day, then I might give it some thought the night before. So basically just on the weekends (no offense, coworkers).
Since I’m probably never going to wear this shirt ever again I’ve been thinking of good uses for it. ….
1. I could cut it up into tiny pieces and make drapes for a 1950’s doll house.
2. Re-gift it. To my grandma.
3. Dry the dishes with it.
4. Save it for costume parties.
5. Give it to coworker #1 that seemed to genuinely like it.
6. Sell it on eBay or just trade it for a pack of gum.
9. Make my dog wear it. Actually, that’s a great idea……She was pretty annoyed with me, obviously. I woke her fat ass up to put this shirt on her and she is clearly humiliated. She can get over it. She wore it for 2 minutes, I had it on all day. Is it really THAT bad? No. But you can really psych yourself into thinking anything if you dwell on it long enough. Good rule of thumb – don’t over think it and don’t make things into something they’re not. And don’t succumb to peer pressure. I can’t believe I almost let a guy who’s mommy dresses him for work make me self-conscious. Next time I’ll consult Sally Field. One girl’s grandma cowgirl shirt is another girl’s vagina warmer boots.