Kramer’s Blog

Random thoughts from an over-thinker…

I’m uncool and offensive. Wanna be friends? June 16, 2009

I feel like I’ve been on vacation. Well, sort of. I haven’t really been on the internet for nearly two weeks and I kinda miss it. I’m on my computer ALL the time, but going online….not so much. I was proposed a bet almost 2 weeks ago by a friend of mine. It started out with him betting me $100 that I couldn’t go one day without tweeting. Actually, it started out when he decided to take a few shots of Jager. Things escalated and it ended up being a $500 bet that includes me not facebooking or tweeting for two weeks. Seriously?! I could go two weeks without food if I wanted to, don’t issue me a challenge. Ok…that was an exaggeration but there really is nothing that motivates me more than a challenge or someone doubting me. So anyway, I can look but I can’t touch and I’ll have to wait until Saturday to post this blog because it updates my facebook when I blog. Bummer. In reality, I have no interest in looking. I don’t really even “look” when I am actively tweeting or facebooking. I find BOTH of those sites to be information overload. If I really am curious about what someone’s status is then I’ll just go directly to their page. Same thing with twitter. I don’t follow many people and the majority of the people I do follow are random strangers that make me laugh. So if we’re friends and I don’t follow you, it’s nothing personal…it’s JUST TWITTER. I like you all better in real life anyway. And, yes, I am addressing this because I’ve gotten heat from a few friends that were offended that I don’t follow their tweets. I don’t take it that seriously, nor should you. Face to face communication is way more valuable, anyway.

Enough of that. I’ve felt a little bit compressed, for lack of a better term. I’ve really had almost no creative outlet for two weeks besides my usual verbal attacks and sarcastic remarks. Expressing my rude, sarcastic and/or witty updates online is much more satisfying that dishing out my sarcasm to just the sole intended reciepient. Luckily, this morning I got some reprieve by sharing some of my smart-ass opinions on the DAM Morning show. It was theraputic. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said. Let me explain….. they asked me to share the top 5 things that guys do in an attempt to look cool but actually look like douchebags doing, instead. The great thing is that it’s MY list so no one really has to agree. It’s not science, it’s just my insignificant opinion and you can call me a douche if you disagree. I’m cool with it. You want to know the top 5? Ok…….

5. Cat-calling. Is that supposed to be a compliment? If you get a girl to respond in your favor to your howls or cat calls, then you deserve each other. Keep up the good work.

4. Taking a photograph of yourself in front of your car OR even just photographing your car and posting it to MySpace or Facebook. Really?! It’s a car. It should never be photographed unless it’s a bonafide classic or has some significant custom upgrades and regardless, you don’t need to be in the picture. Your awesome car probably looks better without you next to it. There are exceptions to this rule, but this is my list and I choose not to list said exceptions at this time. But check out these gems….



This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

3. Peeling out. I don’t care how fast your sweet ride is, you never look cool peeling out. You may think “check me out, ladies” but the ladies are thinking “what a douche”.

2. Talking about chicks you’ve banged or saying you only date younger chicks. Confiding in your buddy about your conquests is one thing, but commenting in public about every girl that walks by by saying “I’d hit it…or I nailed that chick”….LAME. No one thinks you’re cool, they think you’re gross.

1. Fighting. Guys NEVER look cool when they pick a fight to look tough. Even if you don’t pick the fight, you rarely look cool engaging in a pointless fight. In my opinion, a guy looks cool when he laughs at the dick who picks the fight and walks the other way. Exceptions apply to fights involving defending your mother or your significant other or fighting to defend yourself against a douchebag who initiates a fight with you in an attempt to look cool.

There were 12 things on my list but I narrowed it down to five to keep it short. Honorable mention goes to “wearing sunglasses indoors”, “unbuttoning your shirt past the first button so as to let your chesticles show”, “shouting or heckling obnoxiously at a sporting event”, and last, for my douchebag friends Dave and Mahoney, “calling people douchebags on the radio and rating them on a gay scale called the “douche doppler”. I’d tell you you’re not cool, but you already know that so I’ll just tell everyone else how uncool you are. 😉

So there you have it. I’ve already hurt some feelings by my stupid “uncool” list today but if you take offense to anything I say, get over it. My opinion is really unimportant in the scheme of things. And don’t be such a little girl. If you do things on that list I don’t like you any less, I just think you’re a little douchier than I did before. Feel free to let me know if you agree with me or if you have anything to add to that list. I’m always happy to hear from you.


4 Responses to “I’m uncool and offensive. Wanna be friends?”

  1. TrayLo Says:

    I love the picture of the Icy Hot Stuntaz and that when I move my mouse over the photo it says “douchebags with their cars”. Douche Doppler. That is classic.

  2. CoolUncool Says:

    i mean..… woops. that was totally uncool of me.

  3. Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this post really forced me to do so, Excellent post!

    I’m Out! 🙂

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