Have you ever been really, super excited about something – soooo excited the you feel giddy and all you want do do is scream, cry and bear hug someone at the same time? Maybe it was something you’ve been working on for a really long time and you finally reached your goal. Or it might be something like a New York Times Crossword puzzle. You’ve been struggling with it for weeks and you FINALLY got that last word and you didn’t even cheat and use google. You feel so accomplished! Perhaps you’ve been playing Guitar Hero and you’ve been trying to get past Metallica “One” on Hard Level and you just can’t get past 82% of the song. Then when you FINALLY get past that tricky part, you feel like you are a true rock star and you want to smash your plastic Wii guitar on the coffee table and stage dive into a crowd of your friends…or the couch. Or maybe you came up to bat in the ninth inning and smacked one out of the park to win the game with a walk off home run and your whole team is waiting for you at home plate to carry you off the field and fireworks are going off in the outfield as the crowd chants your name. Yeah, that would be rad.
OK, so hopefully you’ve thought about a time in your life where you’ve felt that way….or close to it. And by the way, my Metallica reference inspired me to kick on some background music so I’m listening to “Where Ever I May Roam” and my dog is pissed because she’s sleeping with her head on my leg and I keep tapping my foot along with the bass drum. She can move her fat ass if it really bothers her. I digress. Where was I? ……So, imagine you just knocked one out of the park and you round the bases pumping your fist like Kirk Gibson and as you round 3rd to head for home, you don’t see anyone waiting for you at home plate. Everyone is just going about their business. Your teammates are packing up their equipment, fans are just sitting in their seats conversing among themselves, cracking peanut shells and the opposing team looks like they never even saw you swing the bat. There’s just a low murmur of conversation through out the stadium, not a hint of a cheer. That would really suck, huh? All of your adrenaline is still there, waiting to find a release but your butterflies have turned into a huge lump in your throat and a tightness in your chest and you feel completely deflated. Well, that’s how I felt today. I’ll admit right up front, that I definitely didn’t do anything close to hitting a walk off home run. But I had a great day – or at least a great thing happened for me – and I had no one to share it with. I felt like I could fly one minute and 20 minutes later I felt like I had never left the ground. I felt more weighed down than I have in a while. And my first thought was “It’s your own damn fault”.
I am a fairly private person. You wouldn’t know it from the fact that I post a public blog and I’m constantly putting my personal crap out there for your amusement. But I guess that’s the key…amusement. I don’t typically share my deep, emotional feelings and I don’t really invite people inside my walls. Well, not usually. I have a small handful of GREAT friends – the forever friends. I have a HUGE handful of good friends and even more casual, extended friendships. I guess that’s pretty standard, right? I consider myself very lucky to have the friends that I do. So right after my big news I hopped in my car, took out my phone and I knew exactly who I wanted to call to share my awesome news with first. But I just sat there and stared at my phone. I knew 100% that she wouldn’t pick up her phone because she never does. I thought about texting but it just wouldn’t do my excitement justice and I’d just feel stupid. So I just I called another one of my great friends who I thought would definitely answer but for some reason she didn’t pick up. I then emailed her and texted her to call me. No response. I’m definitely not mad becasue I know she was at work and she probably hasn’t even seen my messages. She’d never just ignore me. I was just looking forward to sharing with someone I knew would be genuinely excited with me. Not because they really have any interest in my exciting news, but because they know me and know what makes me tick. I determine how well someone knows me by how well they know my hot buttons or reactions. If you can figure out how to get me excited, tease me to where I actually react, or know exactly how to make me hurt then you know me. Not many people know how to do ANY of those things, let alone all three.
You heard me say “It’s my own damn fault”. Why is it my fault? Well, because in reality, there are probably a hundred people who would have been excited for me if I called them to share my story. There are friends of mine who would have stopped what they were doing and driven to meet me just to give me a hug, even though the whole thing is really trivial to begin with. But I just don’t feel satisfied if I share personal things with people who really don’t KNOW me. You hear what I’m saying? Am I making even a *little* sense? I was needing to celebrate with someone who knows exactly why this stupid thing would make me tick. Truth is, even most of my “forever friends” wouldn’t know the answer to that and I can’t hold it against them. I began to wonder if I need to branch out more or if I should just be me and accept that I’m not the type of person who will ever have a “cheering section”. If I don’t invite any cheerleaders to my party then I can’t complain if they don’t show up, right? Man, that was the most rediculous analogy I’ve ever come up with. Part of me really wants to delete it but I’m supposed to show more of the REAL ME if I ever want to have people to share my stories with. So that’s part of the real me right there. I make stupid analogies, I acknowledge that I suck and I think I’m a lot funnier than I really am. So will you call me now so I can spill my guts and we can scream together over the phone even though you’ll think my story is stupid? Awesome, thanks.
To be honest, I have absolutely no desire to tell ANYONE my story anymore. After writing this blog, I feel a lot better anyway and I think at this point I’d just sound pathetic. LOL. It’s really not even that big of a deal and telling it now would just be nauseating and embarrassing. So instead, I’ll make up crazy, fun stories in case someone who reads this blog asks me to tell them my news. This way I don’t have to show the real, true me. I can just amuse you with made up stories about my personal life and keep you at bay. Wait…..I’m starting to see a pattern developing. DAMN IT! I will never learn, will I? LOL.
There is just no hope for me. Sorry, folks. 🙂