So I was sitting in the OBGYN office yesterday waiting, and waiting, and WAITING for them to call my name and I overheard a conversation between two lovely women that was wildly amusing. They weren’t making any attempt to speak quietly so I didn’t feel bad for eavesdropping. I didn’t even have to, it’s like they were trying to include me in their conversation with how loud they were talking. Basically the 20-year-old girl was recently unemployed (fired for incompetence, no doubt) from her previous job and she wanted to get involved in event planning. She said she just got her associates degree and she thinks she’d be “like totally good at event planning because she plans super fun parties for her sorority like ALL THE TIME!”. The older single lady with 5 cats (that is an assumption based on my judgmental observations) proceeded to offer her advice and refer her to call a good friend of hers because he is “the best of the best when it comes to events”. Ironically, I know this dude and he’s definitely not “the best of the best” when it comes to events, and he’s one shady mother f*&cker. Instead of interjecting, I simply smirked and continued to play Angry Birds on my iPod and pretend like I had no idea they were even having a conversation that was so loud, the nurses down the hall could probably hear them. The cat lady proceeds to tell a story about how she hasn’t been to the OBGYN in almost 10 years, which probably means SOMETHING IS WRONG. Then the 20-year-old skank proceeds to say she’s there go get tested for HIV and get more birth control. I know I sound REALLY judgmental, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…..it’s probably a slutty duck.
Shortly after the conversation about how they should connect via email because her cell phone got shut off until she pays her bill, a cute pregnant lady walked in to the already over-crowded waiting room. Poor thing had no idea what she was in for. As she walked up to the counter to check in, the cat lady quietly says “Oh my GAWD, she’s got to be having triplets, or twins at least!”. Sure enough, the cute pregnant chick walks back and sits down right between slutty duck and cat lady. Cat lady asks her when she’s due and she says “next week”. At this point, anyone with half a brain would realize she’s not having twins, she’s just about to give birth at any moment. This revelation wasn’t enough for the cat lady. She continues on and says “So you’ve got to be having twins, right?”. Cute pregnant chick gives a sarcastic little chuckle and just says “NO”. Who asks something like that?! Pregnant ladies are hormonal as it is, but if you say the wrong thing to a pregnant lady at 9 months, your days are numbered. Cat lady doesn’t have enough common sense to just tell her she looks beautiful and wish her luck, she continues on about how huge she is and how she can’t believe she isn’t having twins. Seriously, if I wasn’t so close to getting 3 stars on Angry Birds, I would have told her to shut the hell up and explained that not all humans have litters of babies like her cats do. Also, if you haven’t played Angry Birds, download it asap. It makes the whole waiting room experience much more bearable. About 3 minutes later the cat lady went up to the receptionists desk to make sure they were aware that she’d been waiting for 2 hours and that’s when they called my name. I’d only been there for 45 minutes so I was super bummed I didn’t get to hear her outrage about why I got called before her.
The whole ordeal reminded me of what the people that sit around my cubicle must go through every day. Quite often I forget that cubicles are not actually walls and I proceed to have somewhat loud, obnoxious and disgusting conversations with my coworker that sits next to me. Last week we had a 20 minute, very animated conversation about how upset she was about the men’s t-shirts we had to wear for The Bite of Las Vegas. We discussed methods of shrinking the huge shirts down to a tolerable size, the option of taking them in for custom alterations, how she could accidentally spill coffee on her shirt and conveniently have a back-up outfit in the car, and (my favorite) the possibility of simply wearing our cute staff hoodie with nothing underneath for the whole day. While she considered this a very serious issue and I felt the amusement of the issue was just as important, I’m pretty sure everyone sitting within 20 feet of us wanted to drown us in gasoline and flick a match into our cubes. It wasn’t as bad as our conversations about our menstrual cycles and other bodily functions or the random conversations I strike up with anyone using the copy machine. But when our office moves into a new building in a few months, I’m pretty sure my coworkers will be negotiating with the boss on how they can be seated as far away from me as possible. I can’t say I blame them. I tried to find a picture of our awesome blue shirts for your viewing pleasure, but we pretty much kept our hoodies on all day. So here’s a picture of us at Bite of Las Vegas hiding our giant blue shirts under out hoodies….. Since I wasn’t going to wear the shirt again, I gave it to Bean Burrito and she complained about it being too big, too…..