The Cat Lady, The Slutty Duck and the Big Blue Shirt…. October 26, 2010

So I was sitting in the OBGYN office yesterday waiting, and waiting, and WAITING for them to call my name and I overheard a conversation between two lovely women that was wildly amusing. They weren’t making any attempt to speak quietly so I didn’t feel bad for eavesdropping. I didn’t even have to, it’s like they were trying to include me in their conversation with how loud they were talking. Basically the 20-year-old girl was recently unemployed (fired for incompetence, no doubt) from her previous job and she wanted to get involved in event planning. She said she just got her associates degree and she thinks she’d be “like totally good at event planning because she plans super fun parties for her sorority like ALL THE TIME!”. The older single lady with 5 cats (that is an assumption based on my judgmental observations) proceeded to offer her advice and refer her to call a good friend of hers because he is “the best of the best when it comes to events”. Ironically, I know this dude and he’s definitely not “the best of the best” when it comes to events, and he’s one shady mother f*&cker. Instead of interjecting, I simply smirked and continued to play Angry Birds on my iPod and pretend like I had no idea they were even having a conversation that was so loud, the nurses down the hall could probably hear them. The cat lady proceeds to tell a story about how she hasn’t been to the OBGYN in almost 10 years, which probably means SOMETHING IS WRONG.  Then the 20-year-old skank proceeds to say she’s there go get tested for HIV and get more birth control. I know I sound REALLY judgmental, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…..it’s probably a slutty duck.

Shortly after the conversation about how they should connect via email because her cell phone got shut off until she pays her bill, a cute pregnant lady walked in to the already over-crowded waiting room. Poor thing had no idea what she was in for. As she walked up to the counter to check in, the cat lady quietly says “Oh my GAWD, she’s got to be having triplets, or twins at least!”.  Sure enough, the cute pregnant chick walks back and sits down right between slutty duck and cat lady. Cat lady asks her when she’s due and she says “next week”. At this point, anyone with half a brain would realize she’s not having twins, she’s just about to give birth at any moment. This revelation wasn’t enough for the cat lady. She continues on and says “So you’ve got to be having twins, right?”. Cute pregnant chick gives a sarcastic little chuckle and just says “NO”. Who asks something like that?! Pregnant ladies are hormonal as it is, but if you say the wrong thing to a pregnant lady at 9 months, your days are numbered. Cat lady doesn’t have enough common sense to just tell her she looks beautiful and wish her luck, she continues on about how huge she is and how she can’t believe she isn’t having twins. Seriously, if I wasn’t so close to getting 3 stars on Angry Birds, I would have told her to shut the hell up and explained that not all humans have litters of babies like her cats do. Also, if you haven’t played Angry Birds, download it asap. It makes the whole waiting room experience much more bearable. About 3 minutes later the cat lady went up to the receptionists desk to make sure they were aware that she’d been waiting for 2 hours and that’s when they called my name. I’d only been there for 45 minutes so I was super bummed I didn’t get to hear her outrage about why I got called before her.

The whole ordeal reminded me of what the people that sit around my cubicle must go through every day. Quite often I forget that cubicles are not actually walls and I proceed to have somewhat loud, obnoxious and disgusting conversations with my coworker that sits next to me. Last week we had a 20 minute, very animated conversation about how upset she was about the men’s t-shirts we had to wear for The Bite of Las Vegas. We discussed methods of shrinking the huge shirts down to a tolerable size, the option of taking them in for custom alterations, how she could accidentally spill coffee on her shirt and conveniently have a back-up outfit in the car, and (my favorite) the possibility of simply wearing our cute staff hoodie with nothing underneath for the whole day. While she considered this a very serious issue and I felt the amusement of the issue was just as important, I’m pretty sure everyone sitting within 20 feet of us wanted to drown us in gasoline and flick a match into our cubes. It wasn’t as bad as our conversations about our menstrual cycles and other bodily functions or the random conversations I strike up with anyone using the copy machine. But when our office moves into a new building in a few months, I’m pretty sure my coworkers will be negotiating with the boss on how they can be seated as far away from me as possible. I can’t say I blame them. I tried to find a picture of our awesome blue shirts for your viewing pleasure, but we pretty much kept our hoodies on all day. So here’s a picture of us at Bite of Las Vegas hiding our giant blue shirts under out hoodies….. Since I wasn’t going to wear the shirt again, I gave it to Bean Burrito and she complained about it being too big, too…..

I’m moving my blog to www.justkramer.net May 26, 2010

I won’t be posting on this wordpress site anymore, I’ve moved my blog to www.justkramer.net and it can also be viewed at www.daenakramer.com – both addresses link to the same site. All of the posts on this page were transferred over as well. Thanks for reading my blog

Sneaky Farts and Poop Texts…. May 19, 2010

I texted my friend the other day just to tell her I’d pooped three times before noon because let’s face it, that’s pretty amazing. Her response was “That’s AWESOME! Congratulations”. I categorize my friends by whom I can talk about poop with and who I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re not the type of friends that can talk openly like that, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I probably just don’t know you quite well enough to test the waters of our friendship with a poop text yet. Give it time.  And if you’d prefer I never text you about things of that nature feel free to drop me a line and let me know. I’ll make a note of it and I’ll text you about things like the weather or the cute shoes I saw at the mall. That was a lie – if I ever text you about cute shoes at the mall please punch me in the vagina. I made the mistake of sending a poop related text to a friend a couple of weeks ago that apparently isn’t too keen on poop talk. I got a very uninterested and somewhat annoyed response. She’s now off the poop-text list, lesson learned. Everyone poops, there’s no avoiding it, there’s even a book about it. See ↓ There’s also a book about farts called “The Gas We Pass” and I own both of them. I think it’s funny that farts and poop are such taboo subjects, they’re just a part of life.

You ever witness a fart and the person farting has no idea you were there? Guy at work was in the break room pouring his coffee and did the leg-lift-fart move. Like he wanted to ease it out by adjusting his stance or something. Another co-worker was walking in and saw the whole thing go down and called him out. “Dude, did you just fart?!” …He says “Oops, guess that one snuck out on me”. SERIOUSLY?! It didn’t sneak out, you lifted your leg to let it out you moron! Of course the guy who witnessed the whole thing told one person, that person told 2 more people and within 20 minutes the entire office was laughing about the fart that snuck out. My nephew farts on my lap all the time and then he tries to deny it when I ask him why his butt stinks. “My butt don’t stink Aunt Daena”. Yes it does buddy, because there are just the two of us sitting here and I haven’t dropped any bombs in the past 3 minutes….besides, I felt the rumble on my leg.  ”Seriously buddy, lay off the gas pedal”…He says “I didn’t puh-toot Aunt Daena! I’m seewious”. Whatever buddy, one day you’ll embrace your ability to clear a room with that rotten ass. For now he’s hell-bent on maintaining his innocence. What he should do is what my dog does – just lay there and let ‘em rip then when someone comments on your stinky ass, just give them your best glare and smirk as you lay your head back on the ground like you own the place.

It seems there are a lot of things we’re not supposed to talk about because it’s rude or taboo. I typically fail those tests. Beating around the bush drives me bonkers. Of course I understand the difference between being rude and being honest and that there is a time and a place, I just hate conversations where you have to really watch what you say because it may fall on sensitive ears. There was a conversation in our sales meeting this morning about what “Pink Taco” means. We all know what the innuendo is but my boss corrected my coworker on the specifics when she said “Are you referring to the VAGINA?!” She said “technically, no, I’m not” so I said ”It involves more of the clitoris….” It made me giggle because I love the look on people’s faces when they hear something they weren’t expecting. The guys in the room just shake their heads at us when we get out of line or say rediculous things like this. I think there’s always room for a little fun, especially in what are typically boring meetings. That’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself. Promise to remind me to blog about my thoughts on wasting time and having fun in the workplace. And I promise I’ll text you next time I poop three times before noon.

Sally Field Style and Vagina Warmer Boots…. May 10, 2010

My shirt sucks. Well, I didn’t wake up thinking my shirt sucked, I just put it on and split for work. First thing my coworker said to me as I walked in was “I LOVE your shirt! It may be my favorite shirt you’ve ever worn!” Caught me off guard, but I’ll take it. A few minutes later another guy at work walks by and says “Cool shirt”, pauses for a few seconds and follows up with “for a grandma!”. Whatever. He can suck it. Meanwhile, coworker #1 is telling me not to get a big head about my super cute shirt. About an hour later my boss walks by and says “Wow, I love your shirt!”. She follows up with a story about how her grandma used to stitch shirts just like it, or some shit. Later in the day someone else comments on it as they walk by me in the hall saying something about me being a cowgirl. I don’t even remember exactly what the hell they said but I’m pretty sure coworker #1 laughed at it.

So then all the sudden I’m all self-conscious because I’m on my way to see a client and I look like a total douche cowgirl and my client is going to think I’m an idiot wearing a shirt their grandma could have stitched. I figured it was no big deal and maybe my coworkers were just giving me a hard time because lets face it, I probably had it coming. I tend to dish it out a lot. Every time my coworker, Laura, wears her super high boots to work I ask her if they’re keeping her vagina warm. And when Mike wears a nice tie to work I ask him if his mommy dressed him. Whenever Dave wears a shirt that has even the tiniest bit of shiny on it I comment on his “fancy shiny shirt” or I ask him if he’s going to the club after work. So yeah, I’ve had it coming.

I got home from work and changed into jeans to take my mom to dinner for a belated Mother’s Day celebration. I didn’t change my shirt. Got to the restaurant and my 5 year old nephew sits down next to me and comes to give me a hug but he stops and pinches my sleeve and says “Aunt Daena, yo’ shirt looks like an old lady shirt”. I was tempted to tell him to save his insults for when he learns to pronounce is “R”s but I just laughed and told him he can suck it. That was a lie, I just laughed and told him I borrowed it from his mom. I just took a snapshot of this sucky shirt for your viewing pleasure…. I paid $7 for this shirt at the Gap last month and I was REALLY proud of the super good deal, but I’ve since reconsidered its value.

I am not one of those girls that plans what she’s going to wear the night before. I literally don’t know what I’m going to wear until I walk into the closet to get dressed in the morning. UNLESS I know I’m going to have an encounter with a cute boy that day, then I might give it some thought the night before. So basically just on the weekends (no offense, coworkers).

Since I’m probably never going to wear this shirt ever again I’ve been thinking of good uses for it. ….

1. I could cut it up into tiny pieces and make drapes for a 1950′s doll house.

2. Re-gift it. To my grandma.

3. Dry the dishes with it.

4. Save it for costume parties.

5. Give it to coworker #1 that seemed to genuinely like it.

6. Sell it on eBay or just trade it for a pack of gum.

7. See if Sally Field wants a spare ……8. Wear it to work everyday for the next 2 weeks just to show ‘em.

9. Make my dog wear it. Actually, that’s a great idea……She was pretty annoyed with me, obviously. I woke her fat ass up to put this shirt on her and she is clearly humiliated. She can get over it. She wore it for 2 minutes, I had it on all day. Is it really THAT bad? No. But you can really psych yourself into thinking anything if you dwell on it long enough. Good rule of thumb – don’t over think it and don’t make things into something they’re not. And don’t succumb to peer pressure. I can’t believe I almost let a guy who’s mommy dresses him for work make me self-conscious. Next time I’ll consult Sally Field. One girl’s grandma cowgirl shirt is another girl’s vagina warmer boots.

I Had Effed Up Hair But Now I Have This Awesome Knife… March 25, 2010

I was staring at this smart car today and I was 100% positive that I could flip it over all by myself. Maybe not like a 180 so it was upside down, but I could definitely flip it on its side. I might need some insane shot of adrenaline, but probably just a good stretch first. You could do it too, I have faith in you. I picture all of us standing in some parking lot taking turns flipping this smart car over and over and over and we CHEER, scream and applaud each other with each flip of the teeny tiny smart car. I’m standing on top of the dented, mangled, scratched up lil’ car with my hands on my hips and a big cheesy grin on my face and a feeling of accomplishment. Can you picture it? 

Ok, back to reality. I’ll never get to flip over a car, but I can dream about it. I never really want to try, either, because I’d be real sad if I tried to flip it and I couldn’t even make it budge. I’d hate to ruin my fantasy. When I was a kid I would do stuff like that all the time. I thought everything looked SO EASY and I would always say “let me try” when my sisters were having a hard time with something or if I saw another kid do some cool trick on their skateboard. Yes, I said skateboard. I rode my skateboard everyday from age 6 to 10 and I was pretty good FOR A GIRL. But I would see some kid do a kick flip and get like 3 feet off the ground and I’d try it and end up with my face in the concrete and my board 5 feet in the air. Not as easy as it looked. I was riding across an intersection on my skateboard and two boys in front of me both jumped right up on to the curb and kept riding. I reached the curb and tried to ollie onto the sidewalk and the nose of my board hit the curb and it shot back into the street and a car ran over it. I felt like such a dumbass. Having a rediculous haircut didn’t help how stupid I looked walking home with a broken skateboard under my arm. Another time when I was really little…like 6 years old, I was riding my bike around the yard at my moms work.  There was this big pile of gravel in the middle of an empty lot and it was about 4 feet high. To me it didn’t look like a pile of gravel, it looked like the most awesome bike jump I’d ever seen. I circled around and started peddling as fast as I could and imagined how far I’d launch in the air when I hit this ramp….I realized very quickly that it wasn’t ACTUALLY a ramp. I hit the pile of gravel and my front tire sunk into the rocks and I went flying over the handle bars. I landed head first into the gravel and both of my hands dug into the concrete as I fell to the ground. I had scratches all over my face and my mom had to pick rocks out of my palms for days. I’m sure my effed up haircut made that whole encounter look even more pathetic, too.  If you haven’t figured it out, I had effed up hair for pretty much my entire childhood. 

I don’t know why I thought things looked so easy. I’d see something and think “I can do that”. Sadly, 99% of the time I couldn’t and I’d get hurt trying. But I do remember vividly the first time I saw something and thought “I can do that” and I actually COULD do it was the best feeling ever. I saw some guy drawing a picture of these tigers at the Zoo. He had charcoals or something and was sketching them perfectly. We each got to pick out a souvenir as we left the zoo and I bought this book about tigers. I got home and immediately got some paper and a pencil and started trying to figure out how to draw the picture of the tiger on the cover. I did it and it turned out pretty good. I figured out how to hold the pencil and how hard to press for different shading so I decided to draw it again, but this time I asked my mom if I could get my own sketch book to draw it in. So we went and got me a book with blank paper and I started drawing away. It made me feel so satisfied and happy to see something done and be able to do it myself. I just spent about a half hour looking for my old sketch book so I could take a picture of the tiger I drew but I couldn’t find it. BUT….I did find this awesome knife. I don’t know where it came from but it was in my “memorabilia box” and I feel like I just found a hidden treasure. It’s not going back, it’s staying with me from now on because HOW AWESOME IS THIS KNIFE?! 

I will cutchoo.

 

Hang gliding looks really easy. I bet it isn’t. The Dog Whisperer makes training a dog look easy. That guy must be part labrador because I tried his shit and my dog gives me the middle finger. It’s not easy. I still always say “let me try” when I see someone struggling to figure something out. Some people call me competitive but that’s not exactly the case. I don’t like competing with other people and I actually don’t like beating other people at things. I like challenging myself in as many ways as I can and seeing if I can surpass my own expectations and reach my own goals regardless of what other people can do. Some people call that selfish. And to that I say, you people are dumb and I could probably kick your ass at drawing pictures of tigers.

There’s No Point In Losing Sleep Over Dog Sh*t February 22, 2010

A friend of mine recently asked me some questions about her ex-boyfriend. “Who’s he dating, do they look happy, did he say anything about me, does it seem like he misses me…etc”. I just don’t get that. Actually, I get the wondering part but I don’t get the ACTUALLY wanting answers part. I think back to the first breakup I had and all of the torturous wondering that goes on. I also remember the guy I broke up with saying “Why would you want to know anything I’m doing?! I NEVER want to know anything about your life, who you’re dating or anything that you’re doing because I’m better off being in the dark – what I don’t know can’t hurt me”. That made NO sense to me when I was 19 years old. It wasn’t until my second big breakup at age 26 that it finally made sense to me. Maybe it’s something that happens with age, or experience or just enough pain but saying “what I don’t know can’t hurt me” and ACTUALLY believing it are two entirely different things. The second time around I didn’t want to know anything at all. Of course eventually I found out about a new girlfriend, an engagement, marriage etc, but I never sought out details of his life after the day we broke up. Sometimes having mutual friends makes that nearly impossible but I figured it was better to protect myself from any potential hurt feelings. I also didn’t want him to know anything about my life because there was nothing that he NEEDED to know and things like that just delay the healing process. But HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT TO MY FRIEND WHO IS HURTING?! You can’t convince someone to let go or to remain in the dark because you know they’ll be better off for it, they have to be in a position to truly believe it and want to know as little as possible.

Made me think of how this can really apply to everyday life. Like dog shit. I got this new puppy and her name is Bean Burrito but we call her Beanie and she’s like a shit machine. Actually, not so much anymore, but for the first week all she did was shit and eat. It was actually quite amazing. I wasn’t really sleeping because I’d get up twice a night to take her outside and wait for her to poop then wait another 20 minutes while she cried in her crate to fall back asleep. I’m not complaining because I chose to get this little shit machine and I do love her like crazy….BUT, at some point I had reached my limit. Actually, that point came on Friday night. I figured that if I didn’t hear her crying then I wouldn’t feel compelled to get up every time and take her outside. So in an effort to get a good nights sleep and start better pooping habits for Beanie I made sure she took a dump before bed and put her downstairs in her crate for the night where I couldn’t hear her. What I don’t know won’t hurt me, ya know? I’m sure she cried a couple times in the night but I didn’t hear her and when I went down to let her out in the morning there was just one little poop in her crate. Next night there was no poop. Same thing applies to Beanie and people food. I will never feed her people food because what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Except In-n-Out Burger…one day she will be given her very own burger but that’s different. Maybe from now on I’ll use the expression “There’s no point in losing sleep over dog shit”.

Why do we allow ourselves to be in positions that we know will hurt us? How come people ask the questions that they know they don’t want to hear the answer to? Maybe its human nature to be curious and sometimes we need answers to find closure. Maybe some people would rather feel sad than feel nothing at all. Woahhh….that sounded really emo. I hope none of you feel sad. I hope your biggest problems have to do with dog poop and lack of sleep. Here’s a picture of the shit machine for your amusement……

As far as I’m concerned, this motto also applies to how many calories are in a cupcake, the amount of brain cells that are killed with each shot of Goldschlager, how much money I’ve lost in my lifetime betting on sports, mean things that people might say about me and how much money I could be saving on my car insurance by switching to Geico.  Because there’s no point in losing sleep over dog shit. Amen.

The Funniest Joker and a Valentine’s Toker… January 22, 2010

Everyone is up in arms about all this Jay Leno – Conan O’Brien chaos. I think the whole situation is rediculous but I do have an official position on the issue. I’m “Team Conan”, as they say. For years I’ve been saying that no one can make me laugh like Conan O’Brien. The guy is just SILLY and his humor is so random. I mean, he’s got a masturbating bear and a rottweiler puppet that insults people with a cigar hanging out of his mouth. That’s comedy at it’s finest. I think I gave my thoughts on this in my blog a couple months ago about the mustache fights. Well, since then some things have changed. I still have strong opinions about Conan and that fact that he is hands down the funnier of the two, but there’s a new star player in the ballpark of my mind. It’s Ms. Chelsea Handler. When her show started on E! I didn’t give her much credit, mostly because I’d never heard of her. I thought “who’s this smartass nobody with her own show out of nowhere”? Not until recently have I started watching her show on a regular basis and I love her more and more everyday. This bitch is so quick-witted and sarcastic that she can go toe to toe with anyone that comes her way. One false move and she’ll rip you apart before you even knew what happened. I ENVY her comedic talent and her clever sarcasm. I officially want to be Chelsea Handler when I grow up.

I was trying to tell my mom how funny I thought Chelsea Handler was last night and she had no idea who I was talking about. I had to drop some knowledge on dat ass. Not really. I just steered the conversation in another direction because I didn’t want her to feel old for not knowing what the hell I was talking about. I took her to a movie and we saw “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I figured it was a safe movie to see with my mom and a friend of mine told me it was hilarious. Well, she was right. It was HILARIOUS. I’ve always thought Alec Baldwin was brilliant but I’ve never liked Meryl Streep until now. I had a smile on my face through the entire movie but mostly because my mom kept laughing hysterically. I also learned that my mom likes to do the movie play-by-play, which I thought was so cute. She’d say “Oh look Daena, he’s gonna fall off that step!” or “Oh my gosh they’re going to get caught smoking that joint!”. Awwww moms, I love ya. She laughed SO HARD at the scene when they were all high that I started to wonder if my moms is a closet toker. Totally kidding, my mom is an angel but as we were walking out I said “ya know mama, I’ve never smoked weed but that movie made me REALLY want to try it!” True story. She just giggled. Hmmmmm…

There was a preview for that movie called “Valentine’s Day” and it has like 17 huge names in it. That movie is going to have to gross like 824 Billion in its first week to break even from all the high-priced actors cast in it. But it looked really funny and like it covered every aspect of Valentine’s Day, not just the cheesy romantic perspective. You know what bugs me? When people try to act like they don’t care and say ”every day should be Valentine’s Day” or “I don’t know why people make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, it’s such a lame holiday”. You know who says those things…PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! If every day should be like Valentine’s Day then should we celebrate your birth every day? Should we drink beer and wear green every day? NO! That’s what makes it fun, doing something MORE or something out of the ordinary on Valentine’s Day for someone special or someone you love! Does your husband bring you long stem roses or make a pointed attempt at some creative romantic gesture to make you swoon on a daily basis!? If he does that shit everyday then you’ve hit the jackpot and I understand why you would have no reason to care about Valentine’s Day. I just hate hearing women that have someone to make them feel special and spend Valentine’s Day with say that  it’s a dumb holiday. Count your freaking blessings and ENJOY this excuse to be showered with love and affection for an extra day and do the same for your man. You also get the single chicks who try to act like they don’t care about Valentine’s Day because “it’s a commercialized holiday with no real meaning”. Whatever it takes to make ya feel better, honey. You know damn well that if you had a man you’d be soaking up all the holiday hype and loving every minute of it. Bitches is crazy, man. The moral of the story is, make the MOST of Valentine’s Day if you have someone to spend it with, don’t just complain about how lame it is. You’re lucky to have someone who is always by your side, so use Valentine’s Day as an extra opportunity to thank them for that. If you’re single, shower someone with love even if you’re not in a relationship. Sometimes giving love feels even better than receiving love. You’ll feel great and the holiday hopefully won’t bring you down just because you’re single.

I think I’ll shower my mama with love on Valentine’s Day. She deserves to feel lots of love because she’s always dishing it out. Maybe I’ll take her to see “Valentine’s Day” at the theater and we can get high together before the movie. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m totally kidding. I don’t smoke the weeeeeed, I swear. And also mom, don’t tell me if you do read this because it’s just better if I go on thinking that you don’t even know I have a blog.

ps. nobody tell my moms I have a blog.

Loaded questions and crappy answers…. December 22, 2009

Don’t you hate when someone asks you a loaded question that you don’t have the answer to? “What is wrong with you?… Who are you reeeeeally?” You mean besides a smart-ass chick with a big booty? I don’t know how to answer that type of interrogation! Those are a couple questions I was asked today. Is that a question that can really be answered in a sentence? Do you really want to continue reading this blog if it seems like it has a serious undertone instead of my usual witty sarcasm about random things? How many questions can I ask in one paragraph? A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me she loves my blogs but she wishes I’d blog about more “real” stuff, too. I actually blog about that stuff all the time, I just don’t post them.  So I’m going to continue writing this blog , share a few things about myself and see how straight forward I can be before I am BORED to death.

I am strong. That is the most common adjective that my closest friends use to describe me. I am nearly crying as I write this. How’s that for strong? I am strong because I have to be but I am not strong all the time. But how far can you really get being weak or insecure? My mentality is that you never know what you can truly count on, so in order to endure the unknown, you need to be strong. Or heal quickly. I don’t heal quickly so it’s easier to just be strong.

I am funny. That is what the average person says about me. I’m even keeled. That’s what my parents, bosses or other “authority” type figures say about me. I’m a bitch. That’s what people usually say they thought about me when they first met me. I am all of the above.

I ADAPT. That’s what I say about myself. If I am in a room full of people I will attempt to find something inside of myself that can connect with each person individually. We all have things in common and I think that is what makes people feel comfortable and accepted by another person…..finding those common grounds. I guess I see it as a challenge to find what makes someone tick. Each and every person has something they can add to your life and vice versa, you just have to make the EFFORT to find it. I think I am the most happy when I can make someone feel special, make them laugh or even just smile. And I will adapt and find something inside of myself that can help me do any of those things. Moving on…..

This seems to make people question “who I really am”. I can’t answer that in a blog. I think my “about me” blurb on my Facebook page sums up a lot of who I am, but who really bares the depths of their soul to a bunch of strangers on Facebook? I assume people really don’t care about the serious stuff…they just want a laugh and a smile. Amirite? But if you’re still reading this crap then maybe you’re interested in more than just a laugh. Maybe you wonder “what’s wrong with me”, too. Jeez, if I had the answer to that then I’d fix it. I’m the strongest, smartest, wittiest, moodiest, pathetic mess of a female you will probably ever encounter……

• I am motivated by challenge.
• I hide my tears and I hide my fears.
• Music clears my head. I have headphones on right now.
• I procrastinate but I make up great excuses.
• My favorite holiday is 4th of July because fireworks give me butterflies.
• I judge my passion for something on whether or not it gives me butterflies.
• My constant need for a challenge really only leads to disappointment.
• I am currently debating with myself on whether or not I should actually post this.
• I am afraid of losing my own identity by being in a relationship.
• When someone reads my mind, they immediately have a place in my heart.
• Almost no one seems to know how to read my mind.
• I’m more sensitive than I would like to be.
• I’m desensitized to many things that I wish I wasn’t.
• I am writing this blog on company time.
• I carry around a lot of regret. And I always carry around a stick of deodorant, too.
• If you wrong me, I will always forgive you. Eventually.
• Litterbugs infuriate me.
• If I was rich I would buy my mom lots of stuff.
• Also, if I was rich, I would hire a guy to trim my trees because I hate doing that.
• When I was little I got picked on everyday. That’s how I learned to forgive.
• I only pick on people who I really like.
• When I get nervous I fidget.
• When I get frustrated I grind my teeth.
• When I sing out loud my eyes water. I hate that.
• Nothing feels worse to me than rejection.
• I’m afraid of failing so sometimes I choose not to try.
• Farts are hilarious. Usually.
• Instead of talking, I write to get things off my chest.
• I think I finally know what I want to do with my life but I’m too scared to pursue it.
• I would take a bullet for my dog. Probably not for your dog, though. Sorry.
• People that think they’re better than others infuriate me.
• My favorite thing is when someone hugs me around my neck from behind and I’m not sure who it is until after the hug.
• Ok actually, my favorite thing is In-N-Out.
• If something breaks in my house I fix it myself.
• If something breaks in your house I will recommend a good repair guy for you.
• Coloring books and Etch-a-Sketch will never get old to me.
• I love going against tradition.
• I can’t fall asleep unless I’m hugging a pillow.
• Sometimes I wish my mom would still discipline me.
• Sometimes I wish my dad would have disciplined me.
• If I could wish for a talent, I’d wish to be a musician.
• Being by the ocean makes me feel at ease.
• At least once a day I think about my death and I have no fear of it.
• This blog is boring me to DEATH.

The worst thing about other people telling you that you’re confusing is knowing you’re just as confused. I don’t have answers….I yam what I yam what I yam – words of wisdom from Popeye. If you feel the same way then maybe we’re all a little bit crazy. If you put yourself in someone else’s shoes you may have a better understanding of who they are and take the time to really listen to them. And if you want people to listen to you then you need to make the effort to talk to them. Well, I’m spent. I’m going to go take a two-hour lunch now and waste more company time. Ttyl.

Gift ideas from a discount Ninja…. December 16, 2009

There are not very many things that qualify me as a “typical girl” but one thing that does is that I absolutely LOVE to shop. I hate the way that even sounds coming out of my mouth but it’s true. However, I mostly love to shop online and I pride myself on finding good deals. Also, I refuse to pay full price. I have a bunch of discount sites bookmarked that I check for coupon codes before I check out at any online store. You can find a discount code for nearly every store on the internet and If they aren’t listed on any of my standard sites, I just google it. I’m like a discount ninja…NEVER PAY FULL PRICE! That’s what I tell myself to avoid feeling like a “typical girl”.

Ok, it seems that guys tend to have more of a difficult time shopping for women than the other way around so we discussed some ideas for guys who have no clue. If you have no clue, don’t feel bad because you’re not alone. Here are a few ideas to get you started and point you in the right direction. If you want to shop online then do it on December 17th!! I know it’s short notice, but that’s just a few hours away. This is the date a lot of stores have free shipping online and additional discounts. They’re trying to clear out all of their inventory before Christmas comes and goes so this is the date they really get the ball rolling – I read that somewhere so I assume it’s true. Check out www.gifts.com or www.uncommongoods.com for clever/unique gift ideas or you can go to Amazon.com and find pretty much ANYTHING you’re looking for. The Gifts.com site will allow you to pick the type of person you’re shopping for and help you out with ideas to fit their personality. If you don’t want to shop online, here are a few clever and inexpensive ideas….
- Grab a good photo of the both of you (make sure it’s a photo SHE things she looks good in) and put it in a nice frame for her.
- If she’s into astrology at all, these Juicy necklaces are super cute and less than $50. Get one for her with her zodiac sign on it. They have them at Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom and probably the Juicy store, too, but here’s a pic….

 
- Get her tickets to a show or concert and put them in a “Ticket Stub Diary” and wrap it up. That way she can keep ticket stubs of all the places you’ve been and write little stories and memories inside and when you break up she will light it on fire. I’m kidding….sort of. They have them at Borders Books online, so they probably have them in stores, too. Or just google it and there are tons of online stores that have it. Chicks like memories and stuff.

- Post Secret books. That might sound weird, but it’s one of the coolest gifts I’ve ever received. They are very interesting and a good conversation piece. Available at most book stores.
- Who is her favorite band, sports team or celebrity? Get her a piece of memorabilia from an event/movie that is signed by that person or just has some special meaning. Might be slightly expensive, but she’ll love it and the fact that you were thoughtful and remembered what she’s into.
- If your lady likes jewelry she will probably like a Pandora charm bracelet. If you have kids, each kid can pick out a charm for the bracelet they think mom would like and pick one out for her yourself as well. Chicks love when you’ve put a little thought into their gift. You can also get her charms on future occasions/holidays to add to the bracelet. There is a Pandora store inside the Fashion Show Mall and Caesar’s Forum Shops and they have really cute styles for various tastes, not just for moms!
- Does your lady like wine? Get her a wine rack or wine chiller and put a bottle of her favorite wine in it. Is that cheesy?….I don’t think so. It might be a little expensive but you don’t have to pay a lot for a good bottle of wine.

Ok, there are a few thought starters but most importantly, here’s a helpful tip….PAY ATTENTION. If you’re walking through the mall or even Target, make a note of things she admires or picks up and looks at. Does she say “Those boots are SO cute”. Get them for her, idiot.  And worst case scenario if you MUST get her a gift card, present it in a thoughtful way. If you get her a Best Buy gift card, pair it with a new CD or DVD so you’re not just handing her a gift card. Getting her a gift card for a clothing store? Put it inside a box with a scarf or bracelet from that store.
And last….FILL HER STOCKING! How often does your stocking get filled and you didn’t put anything in hers?! Even if she doesn’t fill yours, put some fun stuff in hers. Candy, lip balm, lotion, bubble bath, Starbucks gift card, gum, holiday socks, Pez dispenser, lube, mini bottles of booze…..ok, I’m getting carried away, but you get the idea.

Now, all of this is merely MY opinion so you may not agree and maybe your chick hates wine and jewelery. If she’s in to video games, get her the new World of Warcraft or DJ Hero or something and she will probably love it. But hopefully you found something useful to get you started. And if you don’t have a lady in your life, feel free to send all the above mentioned gifts to me. I’ll tell you how thoughtful you are but it won’t get you laid. I know, totally sucks.

Happy Holidays!

Mustache fights and late night silliness… November 20, 2009

I’m starting completely over. I got way too deep in thought in my previous attempt at this blog and I annoyed myself. I started rambling about emotional thresholds in terms of extreme happiness and levels of excitement and disappointment. After two paragraphs I stopped to watch Conan for a minute and when I got back on track writing, I realized I sounded like a total douche. Speaking of Conan….. are you a Conan, Leno or Letterman fan? There HAS to be one of the three that stands out in your mind. You didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you that I’m a Conan fan. That guy just makes me laugh, plain and simple. Leno is funny sometimes, but he seems SO scripted and “mapped out” for lack of a better term. There’s no spontaneity to his comedy, interviews or his show in general. Letterman gets me laughing pretty good sometimes but if I’m being honest, my favorite thing about Dave is his gap. I find a front tooth gap very endearing and I give him a little extra credit for it. He does a good interview, though, and he’s not afraid to make fun of his guests or go in an entirely different direction on the spur of the moment. But Conan….he’s just GOOFY! He takes his job seriously but he doesn’t seem to take himself seriously and I dig that. He makes fun of himself all the time and he addresses awkward situations head on instead of trying to change the subject or put on a polished show. He’s got balls and he is really good at sarcasm, which is like a second language to me. And mostly I like his dance where he looks like a puppet on strings. So silly, that guy!

I’ve been sitting here so long that Jimmy Fallon just came on and he’s awesome, but I feel bad for him because he’s like the ugly stepchild of late night television. Kinda funny sometimes….but quirky and cute….but just doesn’t execute his writers jokes very effectively. It’s like he’s reading a tweet out loud. Have you ever read a tweet to someone because you thought it was hilarious and you’re met with a blank stare? I’m a firm believer that tweets are usually only funny when you READ them, not when you speak them. BUT OH MY GOD HE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER IS HIS GUEST TONIGHT!! I’m into Twilight and I read all 4 books but I’m not going CrAzY about the movie coming out tomorrow. Granted, I’m seeing it tomorrow, but if I was forced to wait 2 weeks to see it I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. However….I’ve taken a liking to Taylor Lautner who plays “Jacob” in the Twilight Series. I could care less about “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward” because I’m not that into it. But Taylor Lautner is a tasty little treat but I was recently informed that he’s only 17!! That changes everything and eliminates the possibility of fantasizing about him, but he’s still good eye candy. More so than Robert Pattinson, anyway. I refuse to engage in any debate on my stance with a Twilight fan mostly because I HATE debates, but also because I think arguments like that are so annoying. To each his own, as I always say.

But I’ve got to hand it to Fallon right now because he’s got a feature on called “UMF” – The Ultimate Mustache Fighter! Here’s a little taste of the awesome dialogue for you… “The ring’s not big enough for these brutally bushy beasts, these hairy heathens, these whiskered warriors!…. Defending Champion Wilford Brimley takes on the ferocious fake fuzz of Gene Shalit for Stache’ Bash III. “There’s no love lost between these two mustaches, Barry!!” There are two ginormous mustaches going head to head in the octagon to grind it out. Check out these awesome graphics…..

Jimmy Fallon's UMF FeatureGeraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

Geraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You get the picture of how AWESOME this is?! I laughed my ass off at these two giant mustaches trying to beat each other up. But if you know me, you know I have a certain fascination for mustaches. Oddly enough, I don’t find them attractive on men but I do enjoy the unique appeal of a glorious mustache, you know? Something about them just makes me giggle, especially if it’s fake or drawn on with a sharpie. Let me show you what I’m talking about…… 

I sported this mustache at a baby shower. Pretty good, eh?! Ok…I’m done talking about fantastic mustaches but let me warn you….if we go out drinking, do not pass out before me. I’ll never be too old to draw a mustache on your face while you sleep. At least I admit it. But it’s time for me to wrap this up because Taylor Lautner just came on Fallon and I’m so very interested to hear what he has to say. And by that I mean I want to just sit here and imagine him naked. I’m kidding folks!! HE’S ONLY 17!!