Mustache fights and late night silliness… November 20, 2009

I’m starting completely over. I got way too deep in thought in my previous attempt at this blog and I annoyed myself. I started rambling about emotional thresholds in terms of extreme happiness and levels of excitement and disappointment. After two paragraphs I stopped to watch Conan for a minute and when I got back on track writing, I realized I sounded like a total douche. Speaking of Conan….. are you a Conan, Leno or Letterman fan? There HAS to be one of the three that stands out in your mind. You didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you that I’m a Conan fan. That guy just makes me laugh, plain and simple. Leno is funny sometimes, but he seems SO scripted and “mapped out” for lack of a better term. There’s no spontaneity to his comedy, interviews or his show in general. Letterman gets me laughing pretty good sometimes but if I’m being honest, my favorite thing about Dave is his gap. I find a front tooth gap very endearing and I give him a little extra credit for it. He does a good interview, though, and he’s not afraid to make fun of his guests or go in an entirely different direction on the spur of the moment. But Conan….he’s just GOOFY! He takes his job seriously but he doesn’t seem to take himself seriously and I dig that. He makes fun of himself all the time and he addresses awkward situations head on instead of trying to change the subject or put on a polished show. He’s got balls and he is really good at sarcasm, which is like a second language to me. And mostly I like his dance where he looks like a puppet on strings. So silly, that guy!

I’ve been sitting here so long that Jimmy Fallon just came on and he’s awesome, but I feel bad for him because he’s like the ugly stepchild of late night television. Kinda funny sometimes….but quirky and cute….but just doesn’t execute his writers jokes very effectively. It’s like he’s reading a tweet out loud. Have you ever read a tweet to someone because you thought it was hilarious and you’re met with a blank stare? I’m a firm believer that tweets are usually only funny when you READ them, not when you speak them. BUT OH MY GOD HE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER IS HIS GUEST TONIGHT!! I’m into Twilight and I read all 4 books but I’m not going CrAzY about the movie coming out tomorrow. Granted, I’m seeing it tomorrow, but if I was forced to wait 2 weeks to see it I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. However….I’ve taken a liking to Taylor Lautner who plays “Jacob” in the Twilight Series. I could care less about “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward” because I’m not that into it. But Taylor Lautner is a tasty little treat but I was recently informed that he’s only 17!! That changes everything and eliminates the possibility of fantasizing about him, but he’s still good eye candy. More so than Robert Pattinson, anyway. I refuse to engage in any debate on my stance with a Twilight fan mostly because I HATE debates, but also because I think arguments like that are so annoying. To each his own, as I always say.

But I’ve got to hand it to Fallon right now because he’s got a feature on called “UMF” – The Ultimate Mustache Fighter! Here’s a little taste of the awesome dialogue for you… “The ring’s not big enough for these brutally bushy beasts, these hairy heathens, these whiskered warriors!…. Defending Champion Wilford Brimley takes on the ferocious fake fuzz of Gene Shalit for Stache’ Bash III. “There’s no love lost between these two mustaches, Barry!!” There are two ginormous mustaches going head to head in the octagon to grind it out. Check out these awesome graphics…..

Jimmy Fallon's UMF FeatureGeraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

Geraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You get the picture of how AWESOME this is?! I laughed my ass off at these two giant mustaches trying to beat each other up. But if you know me, you know I have a certain fascination for mustaches. Oddly enough, I don’t find them attractive on men but I do enjoy the unique appeal of a glorious mustache, you know? Something about them just makes me giggle, especially if it’s fake or drawn on with a sharpie. Let me show you what I’m talking about…… 

I sported this mustache at a baby shower. Pretty good, eh?! Ok…I’m done talking about fantastic mustaches but let me warn you….if we go out drinking, do not pass out before me. I’ll never be too old to draw a mustache on your face while you sleep. At least I admit it. But it’s time for me to wrap this up because Taylor Lautner just came on Fallon and I’m so very interested to hear what he has to say. And by that I mean I want to just sit here and imagine him naked. I’m kidding folks!! HE’S ONLY 17!!

 

Endorphins and the puppy burrito…. October 11, 2009

Laughter produces endorphins. That’s a true statement, right? I really don’t feel like looking it up to verify it but I think I heard someone say that once so I’m going to subscribe to the theory. I had a laugh attack the other day while I was at my desk at work. Nothing crazy happened to spark it. No one even said anything funny to me or was laughing with me. I just saw a funny picture that someone posted on my facebook page and I started giggling at it, and as I kept staring at it I began laughing harder and harder to the point there were tears running down my face. I was so delirious from laughing so hard I felt like I needed a nap afterward. What could have been THAT funny? Here it is……

Little tiny puppy burrito.

So the best part is…IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY!! Most people would think it’s cute. I didn’t really think it was so much cute as I just kept thinking how this poor sleeping puppy has been made into the most delicious meal ever, a burrito, and it looks so tiny in that giant hand and why is there a clear blue sky in the background??? And it’s SO small, like the size of a rat but it’s not a rat, it’s a puppy….a freaking hilarious puppy burrito. When I showed my coworker what I was laughing hysterically about, her only response was “You’re stupid”. She may be right.

When I was growing up I would get laugh attacks in church and that was the worst, mostly because there are a lot of quiet moments in church and you’re supposed to be all “proper”. I started sitting in the back near the door in case I got the giggles I could sneak out for a minute. I nearly got one in a staff meeting at work last week, too. I had to hold my breath and picture my coworkers naked to keep from bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. So awkward. But it FEELS SO GOOOOOOD to laugh uncontrollably. After the puppy burrito incident I found myself smiling all day. I was driving to get some lunch and I caught a glimpse in my rearview mirror of the most rediculous grin on my face. I looked like an idiot, but I felt crazy happy inside. ENDORPHINS.

What makes you feel crazy happy inside? Besides booze, because I know that’s probably what most of you would say. Booze makes me super happy and super chatty, but it’s not that euphoric type of happy I’m talking about. I’m talking about the “happy” that makes your heart race fast or gives you butterflies. For me it’s my nephews, live music, fireworks, uncontrollable laughter and In-n-Out Burger. Okay, that last one was a lie but I do feel moderate levels of euphoria while eating it. Some people get crazy happy from climbing mountains or jumping from planes. Other people get that feeling just from a creative expression or feelings of achievement. Others only find it when it comes from other people in their lives like their kids or their spouse.  I like learning what makes other people smile and I wish I could bottle it and serve it up as I see necessary because, if you ask me, there’s nothing better than making someone else happy. So when the Angels make it to the World Series in a few weeks, you can be sure I’ll be feeling that crazy, euphoric happy that I’m talking about and the endorphins will be flying….*wink*.

I appreciate irony and I love pouring rain… September 22, 2009

There have been a few things that I’ve given a lot of thought to lately. Well, more than a few things considering my wheels are always turning, but a few that keep resurfacing. The first thought that I keep having is that I’m really sad that I won’t be at my own funeral. Don’t laugh, I’m serious. If I had to imagine the most awesome party ever, it would be a room full of ALL of my friends from every corner and stage of my life talking, meeting and reminiscing about fun experiences we’ve shared. Except they’d probably be telling embarrassing stories about me that I made them promise NEVER to tell anyone so that part wouldn’t be so fun, but everything else would be awesome. At “the most awesome party ever” I imagine dancing with all my friends to some old school hip hop with a little Britney mixed in and maybe some Motown. There would be lots of Pirate’s Booty (only the most glorious shot ever), it would be catered by In-n-Out and my dog would be there too. Seriously. But ideally I’d be there, and maybe one day I can make that happen, but most likely it will only be at my funeral that ALL of my friends get to meet. So have fun folks, I’ll be jealous.

Ewwwww, grim huh? So the other thing I’ve been thinking is “be careful what you wish for”. I seem to be witnessing and experiencing a lot of irony lately and I, for one, can truly appreciate a good bit of irony. Ironically, I can’t think of any of the ironic moments that I’ve experienced lately but they will come to me later, I’m sure.

Until I remember the ironies (is that a word?), I’ll move on to the third thing that has been on my brain which is “when it rains, it pours” – an expression that I think makes very little sense but it gets my point across. When it rains it doesn’t ALWAYS pour, right? And ironically, I love it when it pours. <— Oooh, there was some irony. So anyway, it seems like I’m either swamped at work or it’s smooth sailing, never a happy medium. When I’m rediculously busy at work something will almost always come up outside of work that occupies my mind and I can’t seem to focus on work. But ironically I have Office ADD and I alwaysseem to have a hard time focusing at work so maybe that’s not a valid argument. <— more irony. And I invented the diagnosis of “Office ADD”, feel free to use it as you deem necessary. So why can’t God just have an equal rotation pouring on the stress and pressures in our lives? Is it to test our strength or simply make us stronger? Perhaps, but I don’t feel stronger I just feel more sleepy and I sit at my desk sometimes and imagine ways I could crawl under my desk to take a nap unnoticed. I really think I could pull it off, too, if I placed my chair properly and curled up real small, no one would see me. But they’d notice that the things were much quieter around there, that’s for sure. Then sometimes I imagine that my office is really just like the TV show “The Office” and I assign my coworkers to a character on the TV show and when they do something JUST like the person in The Office, I laugh quietly to myself. Actually sometimes I laugh out loud and make fun of them and say “You were just Dwight!” I’m confident that it’s wildly obnoxious and they all think I’m annoying, but I’m ok with that. My coworker, Laura, posted this on my facebook page last week and I think it’s pretty much dead on…

So Laura and I created the concept for “The RADIO Office” and it’s a hit TV show starring a handful of our co-workers and us. Anytime something bizarre or awkward happens at work we jot it down for the next episode. It’s pretty safe to say that I work with the most awesome group of people EVER. If you don’t watch The Office, this is probably confusing you and boring you to death at the same time. If you do watch The Office, stay tuned for our own edition of Parkour! in the Radio Office.

So I’ve completely lost my train of thought so I’ll end this blog here. If I remember any more ironies I’ll let you know but I’ll most likely just get distracted and take a nap under my desk instead. Thanks for listening. PARKOUR!

It only matters if you care… August 12, 2009

It only matters if you care. That’s one thing I repeat to myself when I get angry, frustrated or even if I just let someones behavior bother me. Typically, I don’t care what other people do unless it directly affects me in some way….but that’s not always as easy as it sounds. A friend of mine told me tonight that she was really irritated with some girl that was making some passive aggressive remarks and sending them in her direction, so to speak. She was saying how she doesn’t even know this girl very well, but for some reason she’s got a problem with her and she gives her attitude. Now, if you’re a guy and you’re reading this you’re probably like…”huh?”. Guys don’t really do shit like that, just lame girls. And by “lame”, I’ll include myself because EVERY GIRL has been lame a few times in her life. It’s in our DNA to let our emotions take control every once in a while and we don’t use the best judgement.  Guys are just lame in different ways. They don’t gossip or make passive aggressive comments, they just call each other dicks and go their separate ways. But like I said, it only matters if you CARE. In order for someone to affect your emotions in ANY way, you have to care about them or what they think on some level. My advice to girls that are the victim of gossip or that caddy, passive-aggressive style of shit talk….don’t CARE. If it doesn’t affect you then their efforts are in vain.

This got me to thinking at what point should you care? There will be people throughout all of our lives that like us, dislike us, don’t give a crap about us and some of them will feel the need to let you know exactly how they feel. Not everyone is ALWAYS going to agree with you and I’m learning that fact more and more every day and I’m OK with that. Except if you don’t agree that In-N-Out is the best burger ever, then we’ve got issues. Or if you don’t agree that “Into The Mystic” is the greatest song ever, we will fight. But feel free to disagree with me about things that don’t matter, like politics, religion, and the theory of evolution. The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same and had the same thoughts and opinions. I’m a firm believer that Grease 2 is far superior to the original Grease and I’m happy to debate with you about it to prove that I’m right, but I’m not going to hate you for not being as smart as me.  I’m much more mature than that.  

What do you get judged for that drives you nuts? Maybe you make a crap load of money and people treat you different because you’re “rich”. Or maybe they talk shit about you because they’re jealous of your wealth. Maybe you’re exceptionally smart so people give you a hard time because they’re intimidated by you. Maybe it’s as simple as being married. Do your single friends stop inviting you places because you’re married or because you have kids? That’s messed up, huh. Or maybe you’re single and your married friends exclude you because you don’t fit into their “couples” activities or because you don’t have kids. Bummer. We’re all under microscopes for different things and it’s unfortunate.

I try to look at every situation through the other person’s eyes. Imagine how they might have a different perspective than me, even if I’m wrong it will serve me well. You’ve got nothing to lose by opening your mind, even if you don’t happen to gain anything, you don’t LOSE anything. Don’t worry about what other people are doing wrong or what you think is wrong with them, worry about how to make yourself better and you’ll always come out ahead. This had been your Daily Affirmation by Stuart Smalley. Repeat after me…”I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and…..” never mind. I was going to apologize for my motivational, preachy blog, but screw that. I’m always right and if you don’t agree with me you’re probably just stupid. But don’t get mad, it only matters if you care what I think. *wink*

Call me out or feed me strawberries…. July 27, 2009

I have been very short tempered this past week. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I am actually VERY patient when it comes to my temper, but I really don’t know how else to explain. Maybe the term “irritable” would be a better descriptor. Let’s roll with that…..I’ve been exceptionally IRRITABLE lately. I have no good excuse, so don’t even ask, however I have been making a pointed attempt at acknowledging my poor attitude and doing my best to keep from letting my mood affect those around me. Hasn’t worked like a charm, but I’ve noticed I’ve made some better choices lately than I typically would when I’m being grumpy or overly-emotional.

Seriously. What the hell am I talking about? After reading that paragraph I would have opted out of the rest of this blog. No one cares about my moods or how I deal with them. Eff that noise, I’ll move on to what I had originally intended on blogging about. Things that make me HAPPY. I’m going to keep this short and sweet and just list a few things that I dig. The whole point that I’ve been trying to make is that focusing on things that make me HAPPY have really helped me lose the bad attitude. So here goes…..

• Fudge-cicles. I just discovered 90 calorie fudge-cicles at Costco and they’re so tasty delicious.
• When I come downstairs to see Tayler lying on the couch and she’s in some retarded looking shape completely passed out as if she was drunk = Instant smile.
• The 6-4-3 double-play….with authority.
• When my sister calls me but I answer and it’s my nephew who says “Hi Aunt Daena”. 
• Getting a compliment on the color of my toe nail polish
• Being surprised or unexpectedly thought of with a simple text or invitation somewhere.
• Fantasy Football is near….very near
• Carl’s Jr. Commercials
• Nailing a drum solo on Guitar Hero
• Having an apple a day
• Hilarious tweets
• Having a friend call me on the phone and TELL me to vent. Now that’s a good friend.
• Wednesday and Thursday mornings with the guys
• Hazelnut creamer = Glorious.
• Moral support
• Direct TV gets installed this weekend with the NFL Package
• Being called out on something- Yes, I like that….when it’s valid.
• Street Sweeper Social Club
• Being told I make the room smell better
• Introducing friends to friends
• Strawberries. Strawberries. Strawberries.
• Having lunch with a friend and a real conversation
• Angels Games
• Wearing Pumas instead of heels on weekends
• Thunder and lightning
• And finally….LEARNING. Nothing has made me happier than the new and interesting things I’ve learned, learning from my mistakes and learning how to do new things. That feels good.

There you go. Next time I’m a bitch to you, go ahead and call me out on it and remind me of one of these happy things.

Forgive me for my unfunny blog…. June 22, 2009

When I was in the 3rd grade I would get in a fist fight with a kid named Jason Philippe at least once a week. Yep, he had NO problem hitting a girl, therefore I had no problem kicking his ass. Jason was average size, athletic and a wise ass. We were actually really good buddies when we weren’t fighting. He may have actually been the first boy to chase me around the yard and kiss me. Yes, I said third grade, don’t judge me. Anyway, I don’t really remember why we would fight or how it escalated into physical violence. I think it was because we usually played basketball during recess and things would get heated and a block turned into a slap on the arm, then calling the other a jerk, then the punches flew. But let it be known I never threw the first punch. Why am I telling you this? Because I think that was one of the first life lessons that taught me forgiveness. I had to spend a LOT of time with Jason because we went to school together and his family lived next door to me. I had two sisters that didn’t like sports, playing He-Man or seeing how many houses we could clear hitting a tangerine with a tennis racket so I played with Jason. I can’t say I was very competitive, but at a young age the boys were competitive with ME because I could hang….truth be told, I usually won. That may sound cocky, but another truth is that my athletic ability peaked in the 3rd grade and I’m merely average or slightly below average when it comes to competing in sports as an adult. I got made fun of for being an athletic girl; anytime I won at any game against the boys I was NEVER congratulated, I was showered with insults and name calling. I didn’t get it as a kid, but I do now. But day after day I’d play ball with the boys, have fun and laugh with them then fight with them and take a verbal beating anytime I did well and even worse when I won. Kids will be kids.

I wonder how many of those experiences had a part in shaping who I am today. I learned to forgive every single day and I didn’t let little things bother me. I wanted to play ball the next day so I didn’t want to waste time being mad at the other kids and pouting in the corner. But I didn’t just sit around and take a beating either, I defended myself. Making peace just seemed to make life so much easier. I just learned to weigh the importance and let things go at a very young age. From age 13 to this day I can count the number of “friend fights” I’ve had on one hand. I don’t know if it’s because I surround myself with good people or if I’m TOO forgiving. Maybe a combination of both, because it’s no doubt a fact that I surround myself with good people. I’ve had my feelings hurt, I’ve been wronged, I’ve been betrayed, and I’ve been abandoned. I’m sure you can say the same, no? We’ve ALL been through it. So why do some people fight and some people don’t? Why do some fights go on for years and some of the same nature are solved with a 10 minute conversation? Is there a formula and if so can someone please share it with me?

Last week I ran into my ex-boyfriend for the first time in years. This was THE boyfriend whom I had intended on marrying. It was really unexpected and when I looked up and saw him I jumped up and ran over to say hi without even thinking. I felt absolutely nothing emotional, good or bad, it was just like seeing an old friend I haven’t seen in years. It was actually nice to chat for that 2 minutes and have a mini catch-up conversation. I mentioned it to a friend of mine who has known me since I was 14 and she said “OH MY GOSH! Was it weird? What did you say? etc”. I just said it was fine, no big deal and she couldn’t believe I wasn’t all worked up or even that I was so friendly to him. Human nature seems to get angry, stay angry and get even….at least that’s what I’ve witnessed. Don’t get me wrong, I spent a couple years being angry at this guy, but I remember the moment nearly 2 years ago when I just thought “It’s not worth wasting my energy on angry feelings anymore. I’m over it”. And I meant it. I’ve completely forgiven him for the betrayal, the hurt and everything that came along with it. Do you think that’s right? I’m not asking because I feel like I’m wrong, but I’m curious of your opinions. Should some things never be forgiven and should people be reminded forever of their mistakes?

I get frustrated with people a lot lately, whether they’ve wronged me, they misjudge me or they simply don’t understand me. I’m sure people get equally frustrated with me for various reasons, one being that I’m exceptionally moody. But no matter how hurt, mad or frustrated I get, I always let it go in an hour, a day or in extreme cases, sometimes a week. Without fail, the things that frustrated me fade to grey and the things I enjoy about that person come to the surface and seem to be what matter more to me. Call me an asshole behind my back? That sucks, but you’re entitled to your opinion, I’ll still have a high five for you when I see you in the hall. I’m not going to lose sleep over stuff like that. Piss me off and yell at me when it’s completely unwarranted? Yeah, I’ll get mad back but I’ll love you again in an hour and we can laugh about it.

I heard a few years back that Jason had died unexpectedly in his sleep. He had a medical condition of some sort that he was unaware of and just didn’t wake up one day. I was really sad when I heard the news even though I haven’t seen him in 20 years. I was also really glad that I was friends with him every day that I knew him, even if we had a fight. I’ve got a lot of growing up to do in a lot of ways, but I think I’ll maintain my “over-forgiving” ways. It’s really cliche’, but life is way too short to misunderstand, stay mad or let the little things drive you crazy. And that’s all I have to say about that.

I’m uncool and offensive. Wanna be friends? June 16, 2009

I feel like I’ve been on vacation. Well, sort of. I haven’t really been on the internet for nearly two weeks and I kinda miss it. I’m on my computer ALL the time, but going online….not so much. I was proposed a bet almost 2 weeks ago by a friend of mine. It started out with him betting me $100 that I couldn’t go one day without tweeting. Actually, it started out when he decided to take a few shots of Jager. Things escalated and it ended up being a $500 bet that includes me not facebooking or tweeting for two weeks. Seriously?! I could go two weeks without food if I wanted to, don’t issue me a challenge. Ok…that was an exaggeration but there really is nothing that motivates me more than a challenge or someone doubting me. So anyway, I can look but I can’t touch and I’ll have to wait until Saturday to post this blog because it updates my facebook when I blog. Bummer. In reality, I have no interest in looking. I don’t really even “look” when I am actively tweeting or facebooking. I find BOTH of those sites to be information overload. If I really am curious about what someone’s status is then I’ll just go directly to their page. Same thing with twitter. I don’t follow many people and the majority of the people I do follow are random strangers that make me laugh. So if we’re friends and I don’t follow you, it’s nothing personal…it’s JUST TWITTER. I like you all better in real life anyway. And, yes, I am addressing this because I’ve gotten heat from a few friends that were offended that I don’t follow their tweets. I don’t take it that seriously, nor should you. Face to face communication is way more valuable, anyway.

Enough of that. I’ve felt a little bit compressed, for lack of a better term. I’ve really had almost no creative outlet for two weeks besides my usual verbal attacks and sarcastic remarks. Expressing my rude, sarcastic and/or witty updates online is much more satisfying that dishing out my sarcasm to just the sole intended reciepient. Luckily, this morning I got some reprieve by sharing some of my smart-ass opinions on the DAM Morning show. It was theraputic. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said. Let me explain….. they asked me to share the top 5 things that guys do in an attempt to look cool but actually look like douchebags doing, instead. The great thing is that it’s MY list so no one really has to agree. It’s not science, it’s just my insignificant opinion and you can call me a douche if you disagree. I’m cool with it. You want to know the top 5? Ok…….

5. Cat-calling. Is that supposed to be a compliment? If you get a girl to respond in your favor to your howls or cat calls, then you deserve each other. Keep up the good work.

4. Taking a photograph of yourself in front of your car OR even just photographing your car and posting it to MySpace or Facebook. Really?! It’s a car. It should never be photographed unless it’s a bonafide classic or has some significant custom upgrades and regardless, you don’t need to be in the picture. Your awesome car probably looks better without you next to it. There are exceptions to this rule, but this is my list and I choose not to list said exceptions at this time. But check out these gems….

See....LAME.

This is CLEARLY an exception to the rule.

3. Peeling out. I don’t care how fast your sweet ride is, you never look cool peeling out. You may think “check me out, ladies” but the ladies are thinking “what a douche”.

2. Talking about chicks you’ve banged or saying you only date younger chicks. Confiding in your buddy about your conquests is one thing, but commenting in public about every girl that walks by by saying “I’d hit it…or I nailed that chick”….LAME. No one thinks you’re cool, they think you’re gross.

1. Fighting. Guys NEVER look cool when they pick a fight to look tough. Even if you don’t pick the fight, you rarely look cool engaging in a pointless fight. In my opinion, a guy looks cool when he laughs at the dick who picks the fight and walks the other way. Exceptions apply to fights involving defending your mother or your significant other or fighting to defend yourself against a douchebag who initiates a fight with you in an attempt to look cool.

There were 12 things on my list but I narrowed it down to five to keep it short. Honorable mention goes to “wearing sunglasses indoors”, “unbuttoning your shirt past the first button so as to let your chesticles show”, “shouting or heckling obnoxiously at a sporting event”, and last, for my douchebag friends Dave and Mahoney, ”calling people douchebags on the radio and rating them on a gay scale called the “douche doppler”. I’d tell you you’re not cool, but you already know that so I’ll just tell everyone else how uncool you are.

So there you have it. I’ve already hurt some feelings by my stupid “uncool” list today but if you take offense to anything I say, get over it. My opinion is really unimportant in the scheme of things. And don’t be such a little girl. If you do things on that list I don’t like you any less, I just think you’re a little douchier than I did before. Feel free to let me know if you agree with me or if you have anything to add to that list. I’m always happy to hear from you.

Word to your moms… May 26, 2009

Today was a good day. The first thing that runs through my mind as I say that is the Ice Cube song…”Just woke up in the mornin, gotta thank God…I don’t know but today seems kinda odd…”. However, I didn’t think that when I woke up. The first thing I thought was “why won’t my eyes open?”. My eyelids literally felt like they were stuck together and I had to use my hands to rub my eyes open like a fricken toddler. It really felt like they were suctioned together and I have no idea why. But that’s irrelevant. My point is, I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary today. I didn’t expect to blog and I’ll just warn you now that this blog is exceptionally ordinary. Not so much funny or interesting, just a story of my average day. Continue reading at your own risk…..

So as I’m driving to work I notice that a McDonald’s that I drive by every single day is all boarded up and shut down. Now THAT is something I’ve never seen. McDonald’s is supposed to be recession proof above all else. I mean, they have a dollar menu. I could literally eat for an entire week on about $12 at McDonald’s, so it really surprised me that even McDonald’s is experiencing the perils of this economy. So I just drove 3 blocks down the road to the next McDonald’s for my breakfast. I’ve really been eating like CRAP lately and I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve been completely lacking in will power and discipline. But I’ve also been pretty happy lately and when I’m extraordinarily happy I give myself all kinds of leniency. When I’m just average happy I am a little more focused and disciplined. And when I’m sad I deprive myself of anything that could possibly take away my sadness. I really make no sense at all. So I ate my hashbrown and got to work a few minutes late due to the detour but, ehhh, no big deal.

My day proceeded to be pretty average. It was highlighted with some good news from my Realtor, partaking in some ice cream cake at work for a co-workers birthday and some amusing conversation with an old friend. I packed up my things at 5:30 and headed out the door for home, but not before I stopped to say hi/bye to some of my coworkers that work in the opposite end of the office. Are you bored yet? I hope so because if you find this entertaining then you really need to get out more. But this is when my day got great, awesome, extraordinary. My phone rang as I was leaving the studio and it was my mama. I answer to her saying she had some news for me….”I got a job…a GOOD job!!”. I was so excited I didn’t even know what to say. She proceeded to tell me the story….she got an interview 6 weeks ago and followed up consistently but didn’t get an offer. She’s been on so many interviews over the past few months that it’s just really been frustrating for her. If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may have read that my mom got laid off from her job of 12 years over a year ago. She was higher up in management and so she was one of the first to go. She’s been struggling to find something that she’s qualified for because there’s simply a lack of jobs, as everyone knows. Plus, she’s been overlooked because she’s 60 years old. That may sound like an excuse, but with a resume like my mom’s, it’s surprising that she wasn’t offered something sooner. Quite a few employers told her “you’re over qualified”. Seriously? I would punch someone if they denied me a job with that explanation. My moms much nicer than me so she didn’t have the reaction to punch anyone. She just kept plugging along, applying, taking computer courses to stay up on the latest programs, all with a smile on her face. Amazing.

So this interview was 6 weeks ago and they just offered her the position today! As I heard my mom telling me about this job I was so humbled and proud that this woman is my mother. She had actually taken a job last week that pays something like $8/hour with the hopes she’d have an opportunity to advance. She’s so hard working and so smart that she just decided to take what she was offered and make it happen on her own. I truly believe that God saw her swallow her pride, make the effort and he rewarded her witha job that pays decent and is in her field of expertise. I also simply believe that God answers prayers….in HIS perfect timing. What made today any more perfect than tomorrow, or 2 months ago? I have no idea, but I’m sure there is a reason for it. I could hear it in her voice how happy she was and I could picture her face with tears of excitement in her eyes and a smile so big that her eyes were almost closed. I know this because my eyes do the same thing when I’m smiling huge. We have the same exact smile. We have the same pissed off face, too, but that’s another story. So we made plans to meet for dinner to celebrate and as I got in my car to go meet her I literally started crying. I was pouring tears like a little bitch. I was just so relieved and I felt so blessed to have a mom like her. I think I’m PMSing or something because I’m not typically a crier like that. What day is it?….Yep, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’ll cry around the 26 of every month for no reason what-so-ever or even if someone looks at me wrong. I’m just being honest. So now you know….on June 26th you’ll want to watch what you say to me. I think a friend of mine experienced one of these unfortunate episodes back on April 26th. If you’re reading this, sorry about that – now you know. Anyway, I sucked up my tears and proceeded to scratch my eyeball in the process on my way to dinner but I was so happy for my mom that I didn’t let it bother me.

I don’t expect anyone to really grasp my level of happiness or why this was so significant to me but I really just felt compelled to share. I don’t always have a funny blog, an interesting blog or silly stories to share, but this is what’s real for me. This has been one of the greatest days I’ve had in a long time and I couldn’t help but share it with all of you. So thanks for listening. Word to my moms.

Wonder Mondays and Muffin Tops…. May 19, 2009

There was a lady sitting in front of me at “The Lion King” tonight with a newborn. My first thought was how great it is that she still goes out and enjoys things like that even though she has a new baby. Well, that’s what I thought until I saw her proceed to start breastfeeding right there in the theater. Awkward. It’s not like her boob was hanging out, but it was still weird. What would be her rationalization for not going to the ladies room if I had asked her? “My boob was about to leak”…”the baby hasn’t eaten all day”…”I didn’t want to miss any of the show”. You know she would have had an answer….but would it be a reasonable answer, is the question. I wonder why people do things all the time. A friend suggested to me today that we create #wonder Mondays on twitter because he said that I make statements about things “I wonder” about quite often. If you’re not familiar with twitter that will make no sense to you. And, NO, you’re NOT missing out on anything by not being on twitter. Anyway, I have a nagging habit of always trying to get in other peoples minds to figure out why they do what they do, or at least see their perspective. There’s always a sequence of events or a thought process that leads up to any one action. This habit has served me well in many ways and tortured me in others.

Every time I see a girl that is wearing something that just looks horrendous on her, I wonder what it was that made her think “I can pull this off” or better yet, “I look hot”. Now, before you call me a bitch for saying that, keep in mind that I DO consider every angle. First, I’m talking about situations where I know it’s not just because she has nothing else to wear or can’t afford to buy new clothes. Second, I know it’s not just because she was forced to wear it – it was a choice. Not everything we wear is always going to be flattering, but I’m talking about the pieces of clothing we wear that are so completely unflattering. I made a comment on my facebook page earlier tonight that addressed the fact that I have a muffin top in the jeans I’m wearing right now. This is common practice in jeans that have just come out of the drier or if I’ve simply put on some lb’s. I took notice of my muffin top right when I zipped up my jeans so I pulled them up a little and squatted down to give them a little stretch. This did the trick, but it’s a pretty safe bet that I would develop the muffin top again at some point in the night. Solution? Wear a shirt that covers it. Duh. Not a tight shirt, but a loose shirt, obviously. Now, for the minor muffin top you don’t really have to worry a whole lot about it because NOBODY is perfect. We should all accept each other for who we are, muffin top or not, right? But where’s the harm in preventing the whole world from seeing it? I could have worn a tight shirt and kept an eye on my jeans all night and sucked it in. Screw that. I’d rather wear something less sexy and be happy and comfortable knowing I’m not in danger of exposing the evidence of my lack of exercise and poor diet. And I’m sure I’ve worn things in the past that have made people think “she really shouldn’t be wearing that” – we’ve all made our mistakes. But I wonder what goes on inside that head of the girl who wears a belly shirt with jeans so tight they might be cutting of her circulation and her muffin top is hanging out as if she’s proudly displaying it for everyone around her to admire. Maybe she’s happy with herself and doesn’t care what other people think….RARELY the case, but an option none the less. Maybe someone once told her that she looked cute in those jeans so she can’t seem to part with them. Maybe she just likes being looked at. The possibilities are endless. I wonder why her friends never tell her that’s not her best outfit. Hmmmm.

More than anything, I always wonder what makes people smile. Not in general, but each specific person. I subconsciously make a mental note when I hear a friend laugh or see them smile a genuine smile about something. That is a great way to define someone…by what makes them smile real smiles and I wonder how I can make people smile all the time. OK, not ALL the time, but quite often. I’m not very complimentary for that reason. I think when people rattle off compliments to everyone they walk by, it can seem insincere or it’s just because they are hoping you’ll give one in return. If I pay someone a compliment, it’s always just a verbalization of what has sincerely just ran through my mind as I saw them or as I was thinking of them. I never look at someone and try to find something I can compliment them about. How transparent is that?! The WORST is when someone tells you you look pretty or just asks what you did over the weekend only because they want you to ask them or compliment them in return. They could give a shit about anything you did, but they’ll ask and listen just so you’ll ask them right back. Why not just say “can I tell you about my weekend? It was really awesome and I’m dying to share it with someone”. I’d be all ears. I wonder why people need to take the more difficult path to get their needs met.

And last, I wonder why some guys think that cat calls, whistles or yelling stupid compliments is an effective method of getting a girl to notice them. Scratch that – it definitely makes them notice, but in a negative way. What do they really hope for in return? Maybe they imagine it going down like this….

Guy: Yeooooow-ow-ow!!! Sup’ baby, you lookin’ good! *Muah* I’d like a taste of that….

Girl: WOW! Thank you so much. I’m flattered. I’ve been working out like crazy…it’s so nice of you to notice.

Guy: Why donchu lemme call you, gurl. I’ma tap dat. You lookin fiiiine.

Girl: You know, that sounds awesome! Here’s my number. Use it when ever you just feel like having sex. No strings. Is there a number I can call you at when I feel like being a piece of meat?

Really? Really. Does a cat call EVER work? Maybe they do, so I’m asking. Feel free to shed some light on this for me because I find it mind boggling. The most effective compliments (in my opinion) are simply sincere observations. Doesn’t have to be very deep or lengthy. More than that, sometimes just smiling at someone is the best way to get their attention without looking like a tool. I’m not talking about the “whussup” nod, or the eye brow raise with a smirk. I mean just a simple, genuine smile. Try it. You’d be surprised.

This is already rediculously long so I’m going to stop wondering for the night. But donchu worry, yo. Ima be wonderin boutchu every single day. Why donchu lemme call you baby cuz you lookin gooooood an I need me some o’ dat. *Muah*.

Until my wheels stop turning…. May 9, 2009

I wrote 3 blogs this week. I didn’t post them. Sorry about that, but they just weren’t worth reading so you should actually be thanking me. Well, thanks really aren’t in order unless you were required to read my blogs – you’re here by choice so I don’t deserve your gratitude. My mind has been wandering a lot lately and I constantly find myself deep in thought. Unfortunately it’s rarely about anything important or valuable, I tend to dwell on very trivial things. I feel like a two year old who says “how come” every two seconds, but instead of having to answer me, I debate with myself inside my head. I tend to think in terms of problem solving …if A + B = C then C – B = A. Except I don’t always know how to solve the problem and that drives me CRAZY. That’s when I decide to write. And I write and write and write until it makes sense. Hence the 3 unpublished blogs. So instead of dwelling on things I can’t answer, I’ll blog about things I do have the answers to.

I can answer every question in all of those facebook questionnaires because they’re about ME and my opinions. I did one of those “top 5″ facebook apps and it was for “top 5 things I never leave the house without” and the other was “top 5 things I’m terrified of”. I thought they were fun because it will post a photo with your selections. I did one a few weeks ago for “my top 5 celebrity crushes” – clearly Justin was at the top of my list, but I realized this week that Josh Hartnett should have been second. He’s a tasty little treat who doesn’t get nearly enough recognition. I can’t bring myself to always answer those things 100% honestly but I like to have fun with it. Have you ever thought about what you are REALLY afraid of? What gives you anxiety? What you have nightmares about? Here are some things on my list….

• Getting diarrhea while stuck in traffic or any inescapable situation
• Walking out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked in the back of my underwear
• Having one of those sneezes that pushes out a fart while I’m at work
• Having B.O. and being the only one in the room who doesn’t realize it.
• Not clicking “END” hard enough after leaving someone a voice mail and then proceeding to sing loud in the car like I always do and it being recorded on their voice mail for like 5 minutes.

Those are actual fears that I have, but they’re not really that “deep”. I think more about those things than serious fears like….

• Losing a loved one
• Failure
• Disappointing people who are important to me
• Tayler dying
• Hurting someones feelings and not knowing it
• being betrayed or abandoned

See? Not nearly as entertaining, but very valid fears none the less. As for 5 things I don’t leave the house with…

• My Blackberry
• Deodorant and perfume
• My lightsaber
• A rubber band around my wrist
• Sexy Underwear

I was asking my friend, Lisa, about what things she won’t leave the house with and she said “my car keys”. I told her that was the dumbest answer I’ve ever heard. That’s like saying “my hair”. You can’t even leave with out your keys so it’s not really a choice. All she could come up with was “my iPhone” and if that’s the case then I envy her. I wish I didn’t have so many necessities throughout my day. I was obviously joking about having a lightsaber, but I have either deodorant or perfume in my purse 100% of the time – this directly relates to my fear of smelling bad. During our discussion, Lisa said to me “remember that time we were dancing at a club and you put on deodorant right in the middle of the dance floor?”. I had no memory of it, but I have no doubt in my mind that she’s telling the truth. This came from my friend who remembers EVERYTHING. I can see myself doing something like that if I got a whiff of B.O. while I was dancing. Even if it wasn’t me that smelled, I’d immediately do something to ensure that it didn’t BECOME me that smells bad. I always notice when someone smells pretty or if a guy smells sexy.  I like it when I hang out with a friend and the next day I can still smell their nice scent in my car. But imagine getting in your car and smelling someone else’s B.O. – not good and that memory will stay with you forever. I have a few friends that I can pinpoint their distinct scent, whether it’s natural or from their perfume. There’s a girl I know who leaves her scent EVERYWHERE she goes and it lingers for a long time. I can always tell where she’s been. It’s mind boggling to me every time I notice it. Lucky for her it’s a very pretty scent because if it wasn’t, it would be really shitty to leave a stink lingering for everyone to associate with you. Do me a favor, if I ever smell even *slightly* bad, tell me. I won’t be offended, I’ll give you a big hug – but only after I spray some perfume.

I can’t say that I always have sexy underwear on when I leave the house, but it’s safe to say it’s true 95% of the time. Well, at least they’re sexy in my opinion. Not that it matters because people don’t really ever see my underwear, but it makes me feel good knowing I’m wearing something sexy. As for the rubber band on my wrist…it’s for my hair. I don’t put my hair in a ponytail everyday, but I hate not having the option. The only thing I forgot to include in that list was my square ring on my left hand middle finger. When I was 18 I had gotten a $100 gift card to Nordstrom for my birthday. I remember I bought a couple shirts and had about $20 left to spend. I was at the register and there was a tray of silver rings sitting there. I looked through and found the most simple one and it actually fit me – I have big fingers for a girl. It was $18 bucks so I bought it. I have worn it nearly every day since then. It’s not fancy, but in 12 years it’s never tarnished and it’s still shiny with just a little wear around the edges. I feel like it’s part of me, as stupid as that might sound. I hate the way I feel if I’m not wearing it.

Those are the things I have the answer to and I feel better letting it all out. I know I’ll never have all the answers that I want and there will always be situations and people in my life that are impossible to understand. I can’t change that and I can’t change other people. I can just be me and focus on what I can control and keep blogging until my wheels stop turning. Don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so stay tuned for more of my pointless blogs . As my nephew Cody always says “Peace out, yo!”.